Like a prize fighter with a long reach, we have proved in Iraq and Afghanistan that we can defeat a distant enemy. What now that dangers emerge closer to home? Montreal hockey fans booed our national anthem and now the SARS virus, responsible for 13 deaths and scores of illnesses in Toronto, may be spreading out of control. And just to throw salt in the wound, the Bank of Canada raised interest rates in the face of a sputtering North American economy.

Fidel Castro is busy at work as well. 75 political dissidents were arrested after calling for democratic reform. Few will outlive their prison sentences. Emboldened by two hijacked planes landing in Key West, several armed men took control of a ferry boat and headed for the U.S. coastline. After running out of gas, they were towed back to Cuba and summarily executed. Tunnels connecting Tijuana to San Diego have been uncovered which means the end of cheap labor and low cost dope. How then do they expect me to construct a bomb shelter?

The French have stopped complaining about our Iraqi campaign only long enough to demand their share of postwar reconstruction. Dick Cheney shouldn’t worry if the citizens of Baghdad give any indication. It’s we Americans they admire and emulate the most. Only minutes after the marines toppled a statue of Saddam, with buildings burning all around, looters took to the streets and scurried home with leather chairs and desktop computers. Just like Tampa Bay after the Super Bowl.

And while our ground forces may have found torture chambers, coalition uniforms and even the odd POW, what has eluded them is any evidence of weapons of mass destruction. The White House suggests that the regime smuggled its most deadly assets into Syria, including nerve gas, bio toxins and Dixie Chicks Cds.

One of the unintended consequences of liberating Iraq’s Shiite population is the daily Anti-American protest. As soldiers give way to politicians, the situation is decaying into a cesspool of absurdity: Chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix wants to return to Iraq to supervise the demolition of weapons of mass destruction which he claims don’t exist.

When the tobacco industry agreed to pay $200 billion to the states in return for immunity against further litigation, someone forgot to tell the lawyers. An Illinois judge awarded $11 billion to plaintiffs who thought that light cigarettes only gave you attenuated cases of cancer or emphysema. Next will be an award for smokers who cut their fingers opening the carton or got that nasty cellophane wrapper lodged in their gums.

Dissention in the ranks? U.S. Army officers are calling Donald Rumsfield the new Robert McNamara and complain that the Iraqi war plan is feckless. Colin Powell’s doctrine of overwhelming force has been discarded for more minimalist version of war which relies on Iraqi civilians welcoming us with fresh coffee and a bagel. A colonel, frustrated by the lack of American ground forces, called the Defense Secretary “cheap.”

All this changed, however, when news broke that the Pentagon had in fact achieved its paramount objective – removal of the evil tyrant with shifty eyes and a bushy mustache. Yes, Geraldo Rivera has been kicked out of Iraq. NBC fired Peter Arnett after he told Iraqi TV that the war was not going as planned. The ex-CNN reporter will remain in Baghdad, according to his agent, where he will now anchor the Al Jazeera evening news.

The unemployment rate rose to 5.8% as the economy gave up 308,000 jobs last month. It’s evident as the Dow heads back to 7200 that the market isn’t buying any of this sophistry that the downfall can be explained away by the call up of military reserves. The White House’s own figures show the deficit at record levels. All of which sent the dollar to four-year lows against the euro despite a 25 basis point rate cut from the European Central Bank.

Maybe the Yankees could contribute David Well’s $100,000 restitution to the public till. The pinstriped hurler was fined for a tell-all book in which he alleges rampant steroid use throughout baseball and boasts of pitching a perfect game the day after a drunken binge. The latter, said GM Brian Cushman, is nothing to be proud of, especially when you consider that Dock Ellis tossed a no hitter during an acid trip.