Cruisin’ Down the Street in My 6-4

January 22, 2016 by Adam Cherry Leave a Comment

In a Quixotic attempt to derail Mr. Obama’s reelection, Donald Trump in 2011 sent investigators to Hawaii to “prove” that the president was in fact born in Kenya. One long-form birth certificate and a second administration later, the Donald remains unbowed. With his birther crosshairs now firmly trained on Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), the controversy is no longer a matter of fact, but of constitutional interpretation. To wit: Cruz was admittedly born in Canada to a Cuban father and an American mother. Twice before have Republican nominees faced such scrutiny: Barry Goldwater was born in pre-statehood Arizona and John McCain was born on a U.S. military base in the Panama Canal Zone. Each was deemed a “natural born citizen” eligible for election to our nation’s highest office. What complicates Cruz’ case is the fact that he retained his Canadian passport for the vast majority of his life.

But here’s the bottom line: Underneath his dark, phyletic dermis beats the heart of a red-blooded (read: venal, disingenuous) American pol. Mr. Cruz never misses an opportunity to portray himself as a Tea Party populist with a distain for Wall Street, recounting how he and his wife scrimped and saved and sold the house and cars to finance his 2012 senate run. In last November’s debate he pledged to never use taxpayer dollars to bail out a major bank, scolding Gov. John Kasich (R–OH), who rationally opined, “When there is a financial crisis or a crisis with Ebola, you’ve got to go there and try to fix it.” More recently, Cruz noted that “Goldman is one of the biggest banks on Wall Street… like many other players on Wall Street and big business, they seek out and get special favors from government… My criticism with Washington is they engage in crony capitalism. They give favors to Wall Street and Big Business, and that’s why I’ve been an outspoken opponent of crony capitalism, taking on leaders in both parties.”

Truth be told, not only is his wife a managing director at Goldman, but she wrangled a $500,000 loan from Lloyd Blankfein’s firm that funded the bulk of Cruz’ senate campaign. Unabashed, the Senator purposefully hid this information (along with the fact he borrowed and additional $200,000 from Citibank) from both the inbred population of Texas and the Federal Election Committee. Today, he unapologetically brushes off the violation as merely “inadvertent.” In sum, his inherent prevarication is indistinguishable from that of the other – and indisputably natural born – idiots vying for the White House.

Weaving financial legerdemain into swarthy integument would understandably drape Mr. Cruz in a rather Semitic cut of cloth; sadly, he is less the heroic Othello and more the villainous Stephen Friedman. Friedman, you may recall, is the undisputed king of government bailouts having simultaneously served – despite the explicit prohibition – as Chairman of the New York Federal Reserve Board and a member of the Board of Directors of Goldman Sachs. In 2008, insurance giant AIG went into default because of obligations related to credit default swaps; Mr. Friedman negotiated the taxpayer funded takeover of AIG to the tune of $180 billion, with the stipulation that AIG pay full face value to its CDS counterparties despite both historical precedent and market conditions dictating a discount in the neighborhood of 50%. As a Director, then, Friedman well knew that Goldman would be made whole on a $13 billion call; using this inside information, he bought 50,000 shares of Goldman stock, pocketing a cool $5 million in the process.

While it is a credit to President Obama that few remember how dire things truly were during the Bush meltdown (hint: triple today’s effective unemployment rate, quintuple the recent China-and-crude-oil-led market swoon and shit the bedclothes nightly), Friedman’s heinous actions recall such other traitors as the Rosenbergs and Nidal Malik Hasan. It might be fitting, then, for the new Jihadi John, aka Siddartha Dhar, aka Abu Rumaysah, to give Mr. Friedman a little snip during the final broadcast of Al Jazeera America on April 30 of this year. Perhaps, too, he could do something about Mr. Trump’s appalling hairdo.

I Told You So

December 7, 2015 by Adam Cherry Leave a Comment

Donald Trump’s plan to register every Muslim and wiretap every mosque in America was met with widespread derision. Jeb Bush called it wrong and manipulative. Hillary labeled it shocking and implored all the other presidential candidates to denounce it. Many in the media lambasted it as un-American and compared it to Nazi Germany (though there was nary a mention of the dozen Japanese-American internment camps run by our very own Uncle Sam).

It was not a fortnight later that Trump was proved prescient. Syed Farook and Tashfeen Malik (who was expeditiously issued a K-1 visa only last year) massacred 14 fine citizens at a holiday party in San Bernardino, CA. While evidence of radicalization and an allegiance to ISIS is now beginning to emerge, it was unclear in the immediate aftermath whether the attack was premeditated or merely a response to one of Farook’s co-workers wishing him “Merry Christmas” instead of the politically sanitized “Happy Holidays.” In the end, ala Benghazi, the animus is of little consequence; the coroner’s reports will regardless read “Death by Muslim.”

In response to this latest episode of Islamicide, President Obama took to the airwaves. His concession that “the threat from terrorism is real,” seemed rather superfluous given the enumerated events in Boston, Ft. Hood and Chattanooga. By now, every third grader is well aware the Ragheads are trying to kill us. Which is, by the way, why the Donald warned that letting in Syrian refugees “would be suicide.” Yet Mr. Obama remains optimistic that with vigilance, international cooperation and the proper use of technology, we can foil any threat. Good luck with that.

As I mentioned last time, politicians reflexively avoid acknowledging any act of terrorism carried out by Christians. Though the President predictably failed to mention the mass shooting in Colorado Springs (the assailant, Robert Lewis Dear, Jr., was Baptist), the intent was the same as in San Berdoo, to use intimidation as a lever to denature our cultural praxes. I also cautioned that we face a far more proximate threat than ISIS, namely the food at Chipotle. Since my last missive, the Mexican eatery has cooked up multiple cases of E. Coli (is it mere irony that Farook was a food safety inspector?) in seven additional states. And finally, I chided Democrats for being too soft on the Republicans. To wit: only hours after the blood had dried in Southern California, Senate Republicans shot down two gun control measures, including one proffered by Sen. Feinstein (D-CA) which sought to ban terrorists from purchasing firearms. Not one Democrat called out their adversaries; not one Republican was upbraided in the press.

I guess it’s left to me, then, to point out what they should be saying: “Marco Rubio puts guns in the hands of terrorists. Ted Cruz stood with Syed Farook and Tashfeen Malik, reloading their AR-15s as good Americans died. Mitch McConnell was cashing checks from the NRA while your son or daughter bled to death at the feet of Mohammad Abdulazeez. Kelly Ayotte thinks it’s a darn shame that the Tsarnaev brothers killed those people in Boston with homemade bombs, especially when perfectly suited assault rifles were so procurable.” Yes, this is what they should say, but they won’t. Mr. Trump, by way of comparison, doesn’t give a damn about those he may offend. So for all the lampooning and disdain, he should merit consideration for at least this: he fuckin’ told you so.

Chipotlaway

November 19, 2015 by Adam Cherry Leave a Comment

Authorities in Dallas arrested Burmese immigrant Paw Eh after she forced her 4-year-old son to swallow rat poison. The toddler at first refused to drink the toxic concoction, but after Eh slapped him in the face, she sloshed a spoonful into his wailing maw. Though the boy is recovering from the incident, Eh’s actions seem so brutishly inelegant; if you have your heart set on burying your offspring before his fifth birthday all you need to do is conceive him with Charlie Sheen… or take him to lunch at Chipotle.

Health officials in the Pacific Northwest have confirmed dozens of cases of E. coli among patrons of the Mexican eatery. The pernicious bacteria can cause vomiting and bloody diarrhea, and may take a particular toll on “the elderly and very young children,” according to Washington State Epidemiologist Dr. Scott Lindquist. The Denver-based chain is building an impressive track record; this latest outbreak comes on the heels of 64 cases of Salmonella traced to tomatoes served at 22 of the restaurant’s Minnesota locations.

If Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) burrows himself into the White House, posting a same-sex personal ad on Craigslist could prove far more precarious than ordering a burrito bowl with a side of guacamole. Cruz was recently a headline speaker at the National Religious Liberties Conference organized by prominent home-schooling advocate and pastor Kevin Swanson who champions the death penalty for homosexuals. But the Senator doesn’t stop there. He also means to ban all Muslim refugees, admitting only Christians who are fleeing Syria. “There is no meaningful risk of Christians committing acts of terror,” noted the presidential hopeful, apparently unaware of Timothy McVeigh’s Roman Catholic upbringing. McVeigh, of course, killed as many people as perished in Friday’s Paris terror attacks during the Oklahoma City bombing of 1995. (Jeb!, for his part, demanded a declaration of war against ISIS after the events in France, surprising absolutely no one: An ill-conceived military adventure is but one of the braces you can bank on from a Bush presidency – the other being a massive economic downturn.)

Cruz, you may recall, rushed to Kentucky to support county clerk Kim Davis who was incarcerated after refusing to issue same-sex marriage licenses. The Senator “will do everything in his power,” crowed a spokesman, “to ensure her situation is resolved and that no other Americans who strive to live out their faith fall victim to religious persecution by the government.” Though Davis was soon released from jail, she remains a rather twisted exemplar of Christian family values; I still cannot discern how her four marriages and two bastards comport with her church’s “literal interpretation of the Bible.” It is unlikely, by way of comparison, that in the burgeoning World Caliphate, Davis’ own intolerance would have stopped the mullahs from stoning her to death.

The beauty of the Republican Party is that it can promote itself, with impunity, as the vanguard of morality and ethics while its high profile members are little more than child molesters (Hastert), toilet-stall cocksuckers (Craig), and whoremongers (Vitter). Unless the Democrats finally take off the gloves and call them out, that rat poison might not be a bad option after all.

You’ve Got Mail

October 20, 2015 by Adam Cherry 2 Comments

The 17^th century proverb construing one man’s meat as another’s poison staunchly applies to modern life well beyond the obvious case of dumpster lasagna. Take for example the €3B of 5-year 4.95% Greek bonds issued a year and a half ago. Though the offering was eight times oversubscribed, Athens’ ensuing, and abundantly predictable, fiscal and political befoulment has made investors poorer by half. Depending on whom you listen to, ObamaCare and the Iranian nuclear accord will either lead to our salvation or cement our collective demise. And what about women as leaders of contemporary society: blessing or sin?

In other words, could Margaret Thatcher or Golda Meir rise to power today? Not if left to some of the most powerful men on the planet. To wit: When asked if the next (15^th) incarnation could be a woman, the Dalai Lama observed, “If female Dalai Lama come, then that female must be very attractive, otherwise not much use.” Donald Trump’s assessment of rival Republican presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina was harsher still: “Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that?”

And yet Hillary Clinton, marshmallow countenance, cankles and all, still garners tremendous support across the land and likewise remains the greatest nightmare of the GOP. After Benghazi sputtered as a political torpedo, Republicans refashioned the inquiry into the crimination of Mrs. Clinton’s email protocol. (In fact, a year after Hillary stepped down as Secretary of State, they pushed through a law requiring the transfer of personal emails to government servers.) Repurposing a Congressional investigation is nothing new (recall the torturous arc from Whitewater to Monica Lewinsky’s cum-stained dress) and neither is the intent. As House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy boasted, “We put together a… special committee. [Hillary’s] numbers are dropping. We fought and made that happen.”

Corroboration comes in the form of Maj. Bradley Podliska, an intelligence officer in the Air Force Reserve who is suing the committee over his termination as an investigator after he opposed the singular focus on Clinton and her emails. Lest you question Podliska’s motives, he has unequivocally declared, “I do not support Hillary Clinton for president. I am going to vote for the Republican nominee in 2016.” He went on to say, “I’m scared. I’m going up against powerful people in Washington. [In the end] the victims’ families are not going to get the truth and that’s the most unfortunate thing about this.”

A Salem witch-hunt indeed, but were her transgressions truly wicked? Remember, the Right is claiming Clinton’s laxity endangered our security even though the State Department email server they insist she should have used was hacked by the Russians. As were the systems at the White House and the Pentagon. At the same time, the Chinese infiltrated several other government computer networks thereby compiling detailed dossiers on over four million federal employees. Even the personal emails of the CIA Director and Homeland Security Secretary have been compromised. It is not conceivable, then, that the private server in the basement of her Chappaqua, N.Y. house was the least vulnerable option of all?

As for her accusers, their digital safekeeping was hardly beyond reproach. Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush harbored secret emails for seven years despite the requirement he relinquish all electronic correspondence immediately upon leaving office. To his credit, he did make public hundreds of thousands of emails on time. Unfortunately, many of those contained confidential (Social Security numbers, medical records, employee performance reports) or classified (Mid-East troop deployments, nuclear reactor security provisions) information. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, then a Milwaukee County executive up for re-election, directed public employees to illegally conduct campaign business via a secret email system. His chief-of-staff plead guilty to federal charges while another staffer was convicted of using the system to entice minors into sexual acts. But President George W. Bush may have been the greatest transgressor. A Congressional investigation into W’s 2007 wholesale removal of federal prosecutors was stymied because the administration destroyed 22 million emails that had been illegally routed through computers at Republican National Committee headquarters.

Never mind the evidence, the Republicans will bristle. What she did was far more egregious… and patently unlawful. Yet precedent says otherwise. The Department of Justice has ruled that the Freedom of Information Act “creates no obligation for an agency to search for and produce records that it does not possess and control.” When former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger sought to restrict public access to his notes and tapes by ditching them at the Library of Congress as opposed archiving them with the State Department, the seminal FOIA case rose to the Supreme Court. In the majority opinion, conservative Chief Justice William Rehnquist wrote, “We hold today that, even if a document requested under the FOIA is wrongfully in the possession of a party not an ‘agency’… the federal courts have no authority to order the production of such records.”

Perhaps, as Bernie Sanders lamented, we’ve spent too much time on this arcane subject. I would hazard it matters precious little to those college students who will face a lifetime of debt – assuming, of course, they survive the mass shooting in the quad. Or to the thousands of employees shit-canned at Hewlett Packard and Morgan Stanley. The bottom line is this: in politics, nothing worthwhile comes without a pricetag. If you need to swallow something truly rancid to get to the plum pudding, so be it. Just make sure to cinch up your adult diaper real tight.

Forever Unclean

August 28, 2015 by Adam Cherry Leave a Comment

Trumped up: The ongoing war between the Republican frontrunner and Fox anchor Megyn Kelly seems suspiciously contrived, playing out with less spontaneity than a scripted “reality” show. When pressed as to whether he had spoken to (read: conspired with) Fox News CEO Roger Ailes, the Donald sidestepped the question as deftly as a hobo sashaying around a crusty tampon on skid row. As was widely reported, the fracas began during the first televised debate when Kelly unabashedly labeled Trump a misogynist. “You could see that there was blood coming out of her eyes,” he subsequently responded, “Blood coming out of her wherever.” Trump to this day maintains that he was not referring to menstruation and that anyone who claims otherwise is “deviant.” I for one thought the bitch was on the rag.

One label Trump irrefutably deserves is that of serial monogamist. Were it not for the habit of jettisoning wives as they approach middle age, Mr. Trump would by now understand that time does inexorably stanch the red tide. But it doesn’t happen overnight. Or even in four hours, 49 minutes and 11 seconds, exactly the time it took Kiran Ghandi to complete the London marathon with a free-flowing period. “If there’s one way to transcend oppression,” she blogged in a post titled Feminism, “it’s to run a marathon in whatever way you want.” It is also, she later conceded, a nifty way to transmit AIDS or Hepatitis C.

Catamenia, as it stands, is the least of Caitlyn Jenner’s worries. Well, especially since she still has her balls. But the ex-Olympian nonetheless remains under the sword of Damocles: The Los Angeles County District Attorney is weighing manslaughter charges against Jenner for his (at the time) role in a fatal car accident in Malibu. The potential for incarceration thus lends mensurable value to a change of sex. To wit: Subway’s Jared Fogle is going away for at least five years for distributing kiddie porn and having sex with minors while ex-Baltimore Ravens cheerleader Molly Shattuck merely received weekend work detention for the rape of a 15-year-old boy. And gender bias extends to the prey as well: 14 of Fogle’s victims will divvy up $1.4mm while Shattuck’s quarry will garner little more than a few high fives and cheers of “Stifler’s Mom” in the high school cafeteria.

Talk of a glass ceiling aside, the distaff sex is far less disadvantaged than ever before. Women currently run 23 Fortune 500 companies, from General Motors to Pepsi to Yahoo! Their numbers fill Senate corridors as commonly as they do the Supreme Court. And for the first time in military history, females have earned the distinction of Army Ranger. These days, it seems the only place you can’t actually find them is on the Ashley Madison dating site. Along with your email address, the hacker group Team Impact revealed the vast majority of gynic profiles were fabricated. In a database of some 37 million people, perhaps 12,000 belonged to sentient women willing to have sex. Not surprisingly, these odds roughly parallel those found in off-line society and explain such phenomena as bar fights hair restoration clinics. But don’t despair because the pharmaceutical industry has come to the rescue. After twice being rejected, flibanserin (trade name Addyi) was approved by the FDA as a female libido enhancer. As the drug targets neurotransmitters in the brain, it unfortunately comes with a warning: the impact on serotonin receptors 5-HT1A and 5-HT2A can result in patients getting dizzy and passing out. The good news, however, is that if the drug fails to deliver via its primary (and imprecisely understood) mechanism, it is a workable substitute for Rohypnol. Nonetheless, it remains that “Addyi” is a clunky and disjunctive mouthful. Perhaps sales would benefit from something with a correlative lilt, like, say Cosby or Rose.