The politics of victimization (in practice, buying votes with handouts) has long been perceived to be the cornerstone of the Democratic Party.  Yet the reality is that Donald Trump was elected in the main by uneducated whites who felt threatened by a modernizing economy – one that no longer needs coal miners or Uber drivers – and the crosscurrents of a polymorphic society.  Even today, Fox News cuntpiece Laura Ingraham is imploring her trailer park denizens to vote in the midterm elections lest the Democrats replace “you, the American voters, with newly amnestied citizens and an ever-increasing number of chain migrants.”  You can understand, then, why the President has threatened to pull the twelve dollars in foreign aid we send to Central American countries if they don’t impede the migrant caravan of ISIS operatives and MS-13 gangsters marching towards our southern border.

These days, everyone’s either a victim or aspires to be one: As Brett Kavanaugh so patently demonstrated, even the most privileged among us will resort to tears and haranguing when his birthright is threatened by a couple of pesky gang rapes.  The administration tried to get into the act as well, falsely claiming that the White House received a pipe bomb package akin to those mailed to Barack Obama, Hilary Clinton and CNN.

Though this remains a country where it is illegal for blacks to babysit, barbeque or patronize a Starbucks, it is unmistakable that our nation is overflowing with disenfranchised subgroups, from gay veterans banned from Boston’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade to Asians suing Harvard University because their percentage of the student body is a niggling five times their proportion in the general population.  Why just the other day, I received a letter from a liberal costal private school that found itself twisted into a Gordian knot of political correctness.  Apparently, the long-standing practice of bifurcating students into gender specific cabins during off campus retreats fails to accommodate a new group of victims – students who do not identify as “gender binary.”  Never mind that heretofore the students could merely self-identify as one sex or the other; the school was nonetheless forced this semester to offer a mixed-sex cabin.  And while this may solve Pat’s problem of female-in-the-morning, male-after-lunch, it does expose the school to potential liability for any unsanctioned carnal coaction (see: gang rape, above).

Perturbed, I e-mailed the headmaster and suggested simply putting all students with a penis in Cabin A, and those without in Cabin B.  Why get all hung up on what they may think or feel or wear?  Well imagine my alarm when the President of the United States proposed exactly that.  And while I’ve known for years that the authorities have hacked into my computer, I never imagined they’d take me seriously.  Yet here we have the Department of Health and Human Services attempting to plagiarize my wiener rule, demanding the unequivocal designation of “male or female based on immutable biological traits identifiable by or before birth.”  Going one step further, the government seeks to establish no take-backs: “The sex listed on a person’s birth certificate, as originally issued, shall constitute definitive proof of a person’s sex unless rebutted by reliable genetic evidence.”

There’s no denying – at least not before Trump’s second term – our dark legacy of slavery, internment camps, voter suppression and traveling circuses.  Yet by global standards, our victimhood is pretty thin gruel.  Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi was lured into the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, tortured and chopped into pieces by a pathologist with a bone saw. Interpol Chief Meng Hongwei has been detained by Chinese authorities and will likely be executed on ginned up charges of corruption.  Former Russian spy Sergei Skripal was poisoned in the U.K. with a nerve agent by his former cohorts.  Now these guys are what I’d call genuine victims.  But in this country a Hooters waitress gets $250,000 because her manager told her she couldn’t have blond streaks in her hair because it didn’t look “natural” on “blacks.”   Political scientists will tell you that’s precisely why the proverbial laid off auto worker voted for Trump.  As such, we thought it high time to recognize the Trump voters of America, the real victims in this upside-down world where reparations seem to accrue to all the wrong (read: undeserving) people. This week’s honoree is Douglas Ferguson of Bristol, TN who lost his leg to a lawn mower while trying to kill his son with a chain saw.  If those kind of family values won’t Make America Great Again, I’m not sure what will.