One needn’t dig very deep into the archives to find evidence that Republicans represent the party of hypocrisy. Only one scant week after Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke announced plans to sell offshore drilling licenses in waters that had been protected by the Obama administration, he announced, “I am removing Florida from consideration for any new oil and gas platforms.” Ostensibly justified by “the governor’s position that Florida is unique and its coasts are heavily reliant on tourism as an economic driver,” the ploy is meant to give Governor Scott – a Republican who opposed a state ban back when the Gulf was thick with Deepwater sludge – leverage in his challenge to Democratic Sen. Bill Nelson in November. Well, not to mention it’s another zestful way to fuck liberals in those shit holes of California and New York.

But it is in the middle of our great country where the GOP habitually lures voters with siren song of Christian family values. That the ruse still plays in Peoria is puzzling given the litany of transgressors like Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (imagine Jerry Sandusky in a unitard) or Idaho Sen. Larry Craig (recall the guy who sucked your cock in that truck stop toilet stall before the Bob Seger concert). Today’s hero is Missouri Governor Eric Greitens, who bravely admitted to an extramarital affair, only, of course, after a local reporter had broken the story wide open. Festooned with restraints and blindfolds, the tryst cribbed heavily from Fifty Shades of Grey yet it only rose to the level of #MeToo when the Gov. used unauthorized nude pictures to blackmail his paramour into silence. Though Greitens and the Mrs. pledge to deal with the affair “honestly and privately,” there will be, in the end, little chance of either.

While Greitens’ grubby hands will, predictably, cling to the governor’s mansion with all their might, the evidence is mixed – South Carolina’s Mark Sanford somehow endured while Alabama’s Robert Bentley did not – as to whether he can survive the tempest. Now before you think I’m painting all Republicans with the same tainted brush, it should be noted that I think two lawmakers in particular have served the commonweal with honor and distinction.   Brandon Hixon and Dan Johnson, state Representatives of Idaho and Kentucky, respectively, were under investigation for molesting underage girls. But rather than prevaricate and hide behind the Bible (ala Roy Moore) these two gentlemen nobly put a gun to their head and blew their brains out.  And they refrained from shooting any cops or school kids along the way. Bravo, I say.

I have been asked why President Trump attended the Alabama / Georgia championship football game when he unabashedly regards the vast majority of players as nothing but well fed jigaboos. First, it was a televised opportunity to anti-Kaepernick by honoring the flag during the national anthem and second, if not more importantly, it was a means to keep touch with his base of Southern rednecks. Surely, at this point, there can be no doubt regarding Mr. Trump’s ardent racism, but in case you remain susceptible to the “gross misrepresentation” presented by Sens. Perdue (R-GA) and Cotton (R-AK) consider the following: A neo-Nazi teen in Reston, Virginia murdered his girlfriend’s parents after they warned authorities about his hate-filled social media posts and attempted to terminate their relationship. Upon hearing the news, Mr. Trump stated, “I think there is blame on both sides. You had a group on one side that was bad. You had a group on the other side that was also very violent. Nobody wants to say that. I’ll say it right now.”

Nonetheless, credit is due to the defunct Steve Bannon for seamlessly weaving a silver spoon New Yorker into the social fabric of turkey drops and Cajun hot tubs. It was pure alchemy to conflate a life spent in private jets and penthouses with that of a veterinarian who would shoot her neighbor’s dog in the head. Yet with every bizarre twist and turn the narrative is getting more and more difficult to sustain. Perhaps that is why a bevy of entrenched Republican Congressmen will retire rather than face likely defeat. Because as those of us who wish 2016’s election results were nothing more than a false Hawaiian missile alert are acutely aware, losing sucks.