Authorities in Dallas arrested Burmese immigrant Paw Eh after she forced her 4-year-old son to swallow rat poison. The toddler at first refused to drink the toxic concoction, but after Eh slapped him in the face, she sloshed a spoonful into his wailing maw. Though the boy is recovering from the incident, Eh’s actions seem so brutishly inelegant; if you have your heart set on burying your offspring before his fifth birthday all you need to do is conceive him with Charlie Sheen… or take him to lunch at Chipotle.

Health officials in the Pacific Northwest have confirmed dozens of cases of E. coli among patrons of the Mexican eatery. The pernicious bacteria can cause vomiting and bloody diarrhea, and may take a particular toll on “the elderly and very young children,” according to Washington State Epidemiologist Dr. Scott Lindquist. The Denver-based chain is building an impressive track record; this latest outbreak comes on the heels of 64 cases of Salmonella traced to tomatoes served at 22 of the restaurant’s Minnesota locations.

If Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) burrows himself into the White House, posting a same-sex personal ad on Craigslist could prove far more precarious than ordering a burrito bowl with a side of guacamole. Cruz was recently a headline speaker at the National Religious Liberties Conference organized by prominent home-schooling advocate and pastor Kevin Swanson who champions the death penalty for homosexuals.  But the Senator doesn’t stop there. He also means to ban all Muslim refugees, admitting only Christians who are fleeing Syria. “There is no meaningful risk of Christians committing acts of terror,” noted the presidential hopeful, apparently unaware of Timothy McVeigh’s Roman Catholic upbringing. McVeigh, of course, killed as many people as perished in Friday’s Paris terror attacks during the Oklahoma City bombing of 1995. (Jeb!, for his part, demanded a declaration of war against ISIS after the events in France, surprising absolutely no one: An ill-conceived military adventure is but one of the braces you can bank on from a Bush presidency – the other being a massive economic downturn.)

Cruz, you may recall, rushed to Kentucky to support county clerk Kim Davis who was incarcerated after refusing to issue same-sex marriage licenses. The Senator “will do everything in his power,” crowed a spokesman, “to ensure her situation is resolved and that no other Americans who strive to live out their faith fall victim to religious persecution by the government.” Though Davis was soon released from jail, she remains a rather twisted exemplar of Christian family values; I still cannot discern how her four marriages and two bastards comport with her church’s “literal interpretation of the Bible.” It is unlikely, by way of comparison, that in the burgeoning World Caliphate, Davis’ own intolerance would have stopped the mullahs from stoning her to death.

The beauty of the Republican Party is that it can promote itself, with impunity, as the vanguard of morality and ethics while its high profile members are little more than child molesters (Hastert), toilet-stall cocksuckers (Craig), and whoremongers (Vitter). Unless the Democrats finally take off the gloves and call them out, that rat poison might not be a bad option after all.