Trumped up:  The ongoing war between the Republican frontrunner and Fox anchor Megyn Kelly seems suspiciously contrived, playing out with less spontaneity than a scripted “reality” show.  When pressed as to whether he had spoken to (read: conspired with) Fox News CEO Roger Ailes, the Donald sidestepped the question as deftly as a hobo sashaying around a crusty tampon on skid row.  As was widely reported, the fracas began during the first televised debate when Kelly unabashedly labeled Trump a misogynist.   “You could see that there was blood coming out of her eyes,” he subsequently responded, “Blood coming out of her wherever.” Trump to this day maintains that he was not referring to menstruation and that anyone who claims otherwise is “deviant.” I for one thought the bitch was on the rag.

One label Trump irrefutably deserves is that of serial monogamist.  Were it not for the habit of jettisoning wives as they approach middle age, Mr. Trump would by now understand that time does inexorably stanch the red tide.   But it doesn’t happen overnight.  Or even in four hours, 49 minutes and 11 seconds, exactly the time it took Kiran Ghandi to complete the London marathon with a free-flowing period.  “If there’s one way to transcend oppression,” she blogged in a post titled Feminism, “it’s to run a marathon in whatever way you want.” It is also, she later conceded, a nifty way to transmit AIDS or Hepatitis C.

Catamenia, as it stands, is the least of Caitlyn Jenner’s worries.  Well, especially since she still has her balls.  But the ex-Olympian nonetheless remains under the sword of Damocles: The Los Angeles County District Attorney is weighing manslaughter charges against Jenner for his (at the time) role in a fatal car accident in Malibu.  The potential for incarceration thus lends mensurable value to a change of sex.  To wit: Subway’s Jared Fogle is going away for at least five years for distributing kiddie porn and having sex with minors while ex-Baltimore Ravens cheerleader Molly Shattuck merely received weekend work detention for the rape of a 15-year-old boy.  And gender bias extends to the prey as well:  14 of Fogle’s victims will divvy up $1.4mm while Shattuck’s quarry will garner little more than a few high fives and cheers of “Stifler’s Mom” in the high school cafeteria. 

Talk of a glass ceiling aside, the distaff sex is far less disadvantaged than ever before.  Women currently run 23 Fortune 500 companies, from General Motors to Pepsi to Yahoo!  Their numbers fill Senate corridors as commonly as they do the Supreme Court.  And for the first time in military history, females have earned the distinction of Army Ranger.  These days, it seems the only place you can’t actually find them is on the Ashley Madison dating site.  Along with your email address, the hacker group Team Impact revealed the vast majority of gynic profiles were fabricated.  In a database of some 37 million people, perhaps 12,000 belonged to sentient women willing to have sex.  Not surprisingly, these odds roughly parallel those found in off-line society and explain such phenomena as bar fights hair restoration clinics.  But don’t despair because the pharmaceutical industry has come to the rescue.  After twice being rejected, flibanserin (trade name Addyi) was approved by the FDA as a female libido enhancer.  As the drug targets neurotransmitters in the brain, it unfortunately comes with a warning: the impact on serotonin receptors 5-HT1A and 5-HT2A can result in patients getting dizzy and passing out.  The good news, however, is that if the drug fails to deliver via its primary (and imprecisely understood) mechanism, it is a workable substitute for Rohypnol.  Nonetheless, it remains that “Addyi” is a clunky and disjunctive mouthful.  Perhaps sales would benefit from something with a correlative lilt, like, say Cosby or Rose.