Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) is but the latest politician to be consumed by his sexual appetite. Ruefully, if there is any veracity to the latest iteration of his disclosures, he never even got his dick wet. Not waiting until social media coins a phrase for Tweet-induced ejaculation, prominent Democrats are calling for his ouster. Nonetheless, Weiner continues to scramble: after a succession of lies, including the now de rigueur I’ve-been-hacked excuse (recall: Rep. Christopher Lee), Weiner dodged New York’s Israel Day parade, hired a crisis management team and publically apologized to President Clinton, though for exactly what remains unclear. Perhaps for obtruding into Bubba’s pursuit of porn star Ginger Lee or taking surreptitious cell phone photos of Hillary’s cankles.

Sometimes these things come and go without much fanfare, as did Sen. John Ensign (R-NV), other times they harbor enough brio to resurface after years of dormancy. Former presidential candidate John Edwards was only recently indicted for using campaign funds to cover up his affair and illegitimate child, while Newt Gingrich’s proclivity for dumping wives for fresh pelt continues to plague his own aspirations for the White House. It goes without saying that Messrs. Edwards and Gingrich have but one thing to blame for the predicaments in which they find themselves: their cancer stricken wives lacked the decency to die more expeditiously.

Yet there must be something etched into the super-egos of elected officials – and of professional athletes and entertainers, for that matter – which inures them to the fear of getting caught. Dollars to donuts it is a lifetime of inconsequence, of repeatedly getting away with things that would land the rest of us in the grey bar hotel. Despite USC relinquishing its 2004 National Championship and the current tumult at Ohio State University, there are thousands collegiate football players all over the country taking free cars and wads of cash with impunity. Have been for decades. The cumulative effects are likely what create NFL players like Antonio Cromartie, who sired nine children with eight women (I guess someone was worthy of a double dip) and struggles with penury despite a $12.5 million salary.

Marv Albert and Eliot Spitzer have resurfaced on television despite a penchant for hookers and sartorial fetishes (women’s panties and black dress socks, respectively). And while it’s only a matter of time for Charlie Sheen, I’m not so sure former Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-CA) or ex-IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn will so easily rise from the ashes. DSK had the audacity to hit on an Air France stewardess while attempting to flee the country after raping a hotel maid; Arnold knocked up his Guatemalan maid the same day as impregnating his wife. Predictably, dozens of victims have since come forward to append the copious litany of sexual predations ascribed to this pair of ageing Lotharios (e.g. Arnie’s other bastard child), enough so to fuel a whole new genre of reality shows like, for example, Real Celebrity Molestees of New Jersey.

Whether in the spotlight – Gov. Mark Sanford (R-SC) – or in the shadows of anonymity – Michael Lallana, a Southern Californian convicted of depositing semen in a female co-worker’s beverage – men struggle with an overwhelming primal urge to fill women with their seed. Contrary to popular mythology, however, this prurient impulse may have more to do with altruism than the wanton and incessant pursuit of self-gratification. According to a study co-conducted by Dr. Stephen M Platek, Ph.D, editor-in-chief of Frontiers in Evolutionary Neuroscience, human semen produces felicitous effects on women. Female college students having intercourse without condoms were markedly less depressed than their counterparts, even accounting for other factors such as the use of hormonal contraceptives or the existence of a long-term relationship. And the benefits do not accrue simply from sexual activity; women who used condoms were just as depressed as those who abstained altogether. Seminal plasma, apparently, contains mood-altering chemicals – including female sex hormones – elevated levels of which can be detected in a woman’s bloodstream several hours after taking a load. Sadly, the study failed to address the differential efficacy of seminal fluid delivered via alternative orifices.

Regardless of this glaring oversight, Lazar Greenfield, M.D., was forced to abdicate his position as president-elect of the American College of Surgeons when he cited the above study in the February issue of Surgery News. Professor emeritus of surgery at the University of Michigan, Dr. Greenfield is no slouch; inventor of the Greenfield blood clot filter, he has published more than 350 scientific articles and co-authored well over 100 medical textbooks. But his quip that “there’s a deeper bond between men and women than St. Valentine would have suspected, and now we know there’s a better gift for that day than chocolates,” sparked protests from women’s groups that forced his resignation. To this observer, these mop squeezers don’t give a damn about the advancement of medical research. Rather, they are bitterly preoccupied with defending their ability to shove bon bons down their pie holes without spreading their legs.

Ironically, women remain obsessed with the old dangler; only last week did Jena Troutman drop her petition to ban circumcision in Santa Monica, California. Thrilled that a similar measure garnered enough signatures to appear on the November ballot in San Francisco, Georgeanne Chapin, executive director of Intact America, crowed, “We believe that it is an utterly justifiable position to ask for a legal ban on the genital cutting of boys.” Proponents cite the risk of infection and injury yet they condone the 2% morbidity rate attendant to tonsillectomies. So what is the actual impetus behind this movement? Given that Matthew Hess, who spearheaded the San Francisco initiative, has penned a cartoon of an Aryan superhero (Foreskin Man) battling an evil Hasid (Monster Mohel), the animus is not hard to discern. Unfortunately, government officials won’t address the issue of religious freedom, transfixed, as they are, by Facebook postings of Anthony Weiner’s yidishn shlong.