It is a shallow endeavor to chronicle human behavior without accounting for the context in which it occurs. Butt-fucking your co-worker in the lunchroom while Sandy from accounting munches her microwaved hot pockets will likely garner derision. Yet the same act performed on a movie screen viewed by a million people might as easily reap an Academy Award nomination; but only — and here’s the rub — if you do it tastefully. Either way, the more immediate point is this: In their respective elements, Chris Rock and Jon Stewart are funny. On Oscar night they are not. Sunday’s telecast pulled the second worst ratings in twenty years, and not because the Christian Right eschewed all those “gay-themed” movies (“Brokeback Mountain,” “Transamerica,” “Capote”). Ratings tanked because the broadcast was downright boring. Hollywood subsumed by Snoozeville. The lone magical moment arose when “Crash” won for Best Original Screenplay. Quite a trick given the bulk of the movie was lifted directly from “Short Cuts,” a 1993 film written and directed by Robert Altman. Sure, this version had its intermingled vignettes recast in racial overtones, but still, Altman deserved a Best Picture statuette in addition to his consolatory Lifetime Achievement Award.

Congress, while your attention was directed elsewhere, actually got a few things done. First, legislators dropped their investigation of the NSA’s illegal wiretapping program. Second, they renewed the Patriot Act. But how did the tables turn so quickly? Only two scant months ago the Patriot Act appeared terminally ill while Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) ranted that warrantless domestic eavesdropping is “inappropriate” and declared that hearings are “a very, very high priority.” Now the FISA Court has been usurped by a new seven-member “terrorist surveillance subcommittee” which is, according to Sen. John D. Rockefeller IV (D-WV) “basically under the control of the White House.” As for the latter bit of business, Rep. Pete Stark (D-CA) described it as the bastard child of Vice President Cheney and his coven of Republican Senators: “Examining this deal, we see that giving the American people the right to consult a lawyer or challenge a gag order in court is somehow considered a concession by the Bush administration. Other than that, it’s the same old Patriot Act that criminalizes speech, protest and meetings of citizens while also eliminating the right to due process and a search warrant.” Yet for every Pete Stark, there are a dozen Republicans crowing about how much safer America will be. Somehow, they assert, we are better off with a government that spies on Americans and gives our ports over to the Arabs. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

Inviting the Arabs to secure our ports is like asking the Mexicans to guard our borders. And the UAE, regardless of Mr. Bush’s claims to the contrary, is no ally in the war on terror. According to the FBI, $120,000 was funneled through Dubai to the 9/11 hijackers and most of the operational planning for the attack took place on their soil. It is also well established that the bulk of Pakistan’s black market nuclear shipments ran through the UAE. Then there is the 2002 Al Qaeda letter to the Emirates that states: “You are well aware that we have infiltrated your security, censorship and monetary agencies along with other agencies that should not be mentioned.” Beyond its terrorist credentials, the UAE ruling class is engaged in trafficking children stolen from Bangladesh, Sudan and other countries. The lightweight youngsters are conscripted as — get this — camel jockeys and put through a rather abusive training regimen. I thought “camel jockey” was strictly a derogatory term for a Middle Easterner, like “rag head,” but no. These guys actually conduct dromedary races and force these hapless kids to take the reins.

With a bevy of senators, governors an mayors lambasting Dubai Port World’s acquisition of London’s Peninsular and Oriental Steam Navigation Co., why does the administration continue to push the deal? Remember it was President Bush, during his State of the Union Address, who defined our enemy as “radical Islam.” Why he and Dick Cheney have practically made a cottage industry out of scaring the hell out of us with images of mushroom clouds and duct tape. Meanwhile, the nightly news punctuates their endless footage of the abject carnage in Iraq with reports of kidnapped journalists and beheaded contractors. Over and over we are shown threatening tapes of Bin Laden and Zarqawi, and now, now that we are conditioned to crap in our pants every time we see someone with a hook nose and a beard, Mr. Bush is peeved that we’re reluctant to outsource our national security to a bunch of swarthy men in caftans.

Like most of Washington’s machinations, this endeavor carries the stench of cronyism. David C. Sanborn, newly appointed as head of the Maritime Administration, is DPW’s former director of operations for Europe and Latin America. Treasury Secretary John Snow was CEO of transportation conglomerate CSX before joining the administration as a quid pro quo for selling CSX’s domestic container shipping unit to George H.W. Bush’s Carlyle Group. Still the question begs: Why is W. so determined to hand over our ports? I find it is best, in matters such as these, to heed the advice given Bob Woodward by “Deep Throat” in the movie “All the President’s Men” (Best Adapted Screenplay, 1977); follow the money. This is after all a $6 billion transaction.

China’s attempted takeover of oil company Unocal failed last year not because the Chinese promulgate forced abortion but because they couldn’t figure out whom to bribe. But South Dakota Governor Mike Rounds is not taking any chances. On Monday, the Governor signed a law outlawing all abortions where the mother’s health is not at risk. Since there are virtually no blacks in South Dakota it remains unclear whether dispensation will be granted if a woman’s pimp threatens, “I’m gonna’ kill you, bitch!” While Rounds admits that the final say will no doubt come from Supreme Court, he opined, “Abortion is wrong because unborn children are the most vulnerable and most helpless persons in our society.” I have to admit a fetus certainly can’t breathe on its own or feed itself. You could put a whole tray of cheese and crackers right under its cute little second trimester nose and it’ll still starve to death. On the other hand, the unborn always have a place to live. Somewhere warm and cozy on a cold winter’s night. Not so for the former residents of New Orleans. Those lucky enough not to have died when the levees (expectedly) broke. Or when FEMA turned away all those Wal Mart trucks laden with supplies. What about our soldiers, deployed amidst a civil war by an administration that charges for body armor and cuts benefits to veterans? They seem pretty vulnerable too. I can only imagine what the Governor will do about that.

The larger issue is: what are WE going to do? Some people advocate canceling all our credit cards processed in South Dakota. The sad truth is that the work is probably done in Bangalore, and as such any economic damage would be misplaced. Perhaps we could assemble an elite Special Forces unit to rape all the wives and daughters of South Dakota’s Republicans. The rapists should be Jews or Mongoloids so that the babies would be un-adoptable. Since no one will be using any condoms, maybe the fathers should have syphilis or AIDS. And what about our elected officials? Because politicians must operate under the constant glare of public scrutiny they probably can’t do any of the raping. Probably shouldn’t even drive any of the buses. But since Minnesota, Iowa and the Dakotas receive $3 billion in agricultural subsidies each year, there is ample opportunity to register our collective displeasure. Of course, there’s nothing like a subsidized farmer to vitiate a state’s water supply. And here’s our representatives’ second chance to exact retribution. Two extensive pipeline projects, each with a price tag exceeding $400 million, have become, in the words of one regional water district manager, “our only viable option for a future water source.” In fact, Sioux Falls, South Dakota’s largest city just tripled its requested allocation. Since the delivery systems run thousands of miles and rely on federal dollars, our Congressmen should vote against their funding, while the rest of us rip out that precious pipeline and shove it up the Governor’s ass.