Although Sen. Joseph Biden’s (D-DE) recent Judiciary bloviating may have circumcised his oft-tumescent presidential aspirations, it’s way too early to handicap the 2008 Democratic race. Conventional wisdom notwithstanding, prospective challengers Al Gore and Osama Bin Laden delivered major speeches last week. The pair excoriated George Bush for sacrificing the will of the American people in order to slake his unrelenting thirst for power, and noted that his mismanaged and ill-conceived foray into Iraq has been, at best, counterproductive. In an attempt at one-upmanship, Mr. Bin Laden went so far as to offer up some sort of truce. The White House quickly retorted that it’s best NOT to negotiate with one’s ideological adversaries, (although, to be fair, there are few individuals beyond each other that Messrs. Bush and Bin Laden can thank for their respective standing) but, unfortunately, the press secretary failed to get a copy of the memo over to Steve Jobs whose integration of Intel processors is cobbling Apple computers into a massive Trojan horse. Worse yet, by cleaving Pixar films unto the unholy Disney Empire, Jobs may well sound the death knell of corporate counterculture. When mavericks go mainstream (think: Napster, recast), what else is there to say but, “Starbucks, anyone?”

While Bin Laden was busy cautioning that the “war in Iraq is raging with no let-up” a swarthy tennis player named Baghdadis was deftly bouncing Americans from the Australian Open (including shining exemplar Andy Roddick). Coincidence? Perhaps not. Either way, Osama’s threat that “operations are under preparation and you will see them in your homes” failed to induce a hue shift along the terror alert rainbow. This muted reaction in part rises from the extensive lacuna that separates us from the attacks of September 11, and in part springs from the fact that the President himself is doing a yeoman’s job of knocking off a goodly number innocent Americans and scaring the Hell out of the rest of us. Never mind compounding the devastation of Katrina or sending troops into battle with faulty body armor, the administration has cut millions of dollars and 170 employees from the Mine Safety and Health Administration while racking up nearly 300 mine-related deaths since 2001. It should be noted that David Lauriski, the new industry honcho at the MSHA, is doing a “heck of a job.” He’s notched 15 fatalities already this year — and it’s still January!

For his part, former Vice President Al Gore opined that we are mired in a Constitutional crisis (having been neutered by the last one, he should know) as a result of all this illegal wiretapping. Revelations of rampant domestic spying impelled Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) to schedule hearings for next month. When the Senator muttered that impeachment was not inconceivable, the Justice Department retorted that the “surveillance activities described… provide valuable tools…to keep America safe and protect civil liberties.” So somehow vitiating our rights helps preserve them? That’s kind of like Bill Ford asserting that 30,000 impending layoffs “will create far more stable and secure jobs.” Mr. Gore continued that the larger threat to the commonweal is not the eavesdropping per se, but the “breathtaking expansion of [presidential] power” which flouts “established law enacted by Congress to prevent such abuses.” Unfortunately, soon-to-be Justice Alito offers the theory of the unitary executive as justification for Mr. Bush’s unfettered reach. The name apparently derives from the fact that first father-son combo to serve as president (John and John Quincy Adams) were Unitarians. Anyways, the erstwhile arcane theory is a lemma of part six of the Fraternity Code of Conduct: Legacies are not bound by House rules.

Having obviated any prosecutorial threat, Mr. Bush is relying on the blow-job defense to sway the court of public opinion; in other words, Clinton did it, too. The facts, however, show that the 1994 warrantless physical search of FBI-agent-cum traitor Aldrich Ames’ residence was not proscribed at the time. The FISA law was amended a year later and in any event explicitly prohibited Mr. Bush’s offenses at the time they were committed. Regardless, the NSA remains but one thistle in a briar patch of scandals. While DeLay’s money laundering trial, Frist’s insider trading charges, Cunningham’s bribery conviction and Abramoff’s plea bargain continue to blossom, there are new revelations sprouting up. Halliburton has, according to corporate whistleblowers, been knowingly providing contaminated water to a military base in Iraq. Meanwhile, Rep. Louise Slaughter (D-NY) alleges that staffers working for Senate Maj. Leader Bill Frist and ex-House Maj. Leader Tom DeLay were day trading on privileged information: They “would find out that there would be no asbestos bill … and when the market opened the next day, the cost of asbestos stock[s] had doubled.”

It’s anyone’s guess, which, if any, of the above will prove this generation’s Watergate. But W is wasting no time distancing himself from Mr. Abramamhoff. White House Spokesman Scott McClellan was trotted out to declare, “The President does not know him, nor does the President recall ever meeting him.” Which is hard to fathom given that Black Jack was on Bush’s 2000 transition team and appears in more than a handful of photos with the President (recall: O.J. and Bruno Magli). If, using Mr. Bin Laden’s vernacular, God is willing, and the Democrats regain some kind of majority — and its attendant subpoena power– we will all benefit from the theatrics. If not for the sake of justice, then at least for the opportunity to supplant those maudlin Natalee Holloway updates on Fox News.