Congressman Tom DeLay formally resigned as House Majority Leader, and though he promises to run for reelection in November, his political career, upon closer examination, looks deader than Richard Pryor’s last joke. His problems extend far beyond the zealotry of prosecutor Ronnie Earle; infected by ex-staffer Michael Scanlon, Delay remains a leprous adjunct to the Jack Abramoff corruption scandal. Scanlon and Abramoff have already pled guilty to myriad high crimes and have promised, as part of their respective plea bargains, to name names. In the final analysis, DeLay was undone not by hubris or nemesis, but by his former communications staffer, Emily Miller. Miller had been loosely engaged to Scanlon when he dumped her for a local manicurist. Losing both her fiancée and her standing Tuesday nail appointment, Miller exacted her political vagimony by going to the FBI. According to her affidavit, the trail of bribes and kickbacks ran unremittingly up and down the corridors (and catacombs) of the Capitol, as evinced by the $69,000 footprint embossed onto the forehead of Speaker Dennis Hastert. Seeking to thwart the rapidly spreading contagion, the Speaker pledged to re-donate his tainted funds to a legitimate charity, an act with equal effect to strapping on a condom after you’ve already dumped your load.

The news isn’t much better for Vice President Cheney, who by all accounts should have died years ago. I guess multiple aneurysms and heart attacks aren’t pernicious enough when there’s a pacemaker and cardiac stent in the way, but the Veep was nonetheless rushed to George Washington University Hospital in the wee hours with complaints of respiratory distress. Doctors reported that the presenting condition was related to anti-inflammatory medication prescribed for a chronic foot ailment, and dispensed a water pill. Christ, between the spavin and diuretics, you’d think Cheney was running in the third at Pimlico, rather than making hay for the folks down at Halliburton.

Losing the protection of his flanks, the President tried to soft shoe around the increasing carnage in Iraq with “more good news about the American economy.” And while incoming Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke has intimated the cessation of incremental rate hikes, the polity is too worried about a cratering real estate market to blow up balloons and shower the streets with ticker tape. Home sales tumbled to the lowest levels in nearly a year despite near-record lows in mortgage rates. And inventory continues to climb. “To keep our economy strong and secure the American dream for future generations,” Mr. Bush opined, “leaders in Washington must make sound decisions.” Yeah, like increasing the statutory debt ceiling beyond the current $8.18 trillion limit. Otherwise, warned Treasury Secretary John Snow, “We will be unable to continue to finance government operations.” Which might not, given recent foibles, prove such a bad state of affairs.

Our own quagmire in Iraq closely parallels Israel’s deaccession of Gaza. The initial military objective was a cinch; it is the aftermath that has proved far more costly and, increasingly, more difficult to justify. For Israelis, trading land for peace now looks like a one-sided deal. Since the pullout, the Palestinians have ramped up their usual barrage of suicide bombs and rocket attacks, and, according to one government spokesman, “The [latest] missiles were launched from territory that Israel has already evacuated.” The fallout left Likud Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Labor leader Shimon Peres in untenable circumstances and the duo were forced to form a new political party ahead of upcoming March elections. Meanwhile, with Palestinians scheduled to go to the polls later this month, President Mahmoud Abbas is looking for any excuse (e.g. disenfranchisement of Jerusalem residents) to forestall the vote. Recent polls give the militant group Hamas an insurmountable lead over the ruling Fatah party — a statistic that worries Mr. Abbas and Mr. Sharon alike. In fact, Mr. Sharon’s brain was so pressured by the mounting angst that it gave way to a massive stroke. Profuse cranial hemorrhaging complicated any attempts at damage assessment, and it wasn’t long before the initial prediction proffered by West Virginia neuro-extractive experts — that Sharon would be back desecrating the Dome of the Rock by the weekend — was rendered hopelessly inaccurate. Fortunately for the Prime Minister, this early exposure of American ineptitude tarnished the attractiveness of importing U.S. brain surgeons to perform the requisite operations.

I say fortunately because dozens of American neurosurgical patients have already been exposed to Creutzfeld-Jacob (the human variant of Mad Cow) disease by contaminated surgical implements. Sure, the hospitals in question attempted to clean their fetid instruments before putting them back in the operating room, but unfortunately the prions (abnormal proteins) responsible for CJD are not susceptible to known sterilization techniques. Sadly (and predictably), it comes down to a matter of money. Dr. Richard G. Ellenbogen of the Harborview Medical Center in Seattle summed it up as follows; “There’s a cost benefit ratio.” $800 for a pair of reusable biopsy forceps is “a lot of money” to throw away. God forbid Dr. E misses a payment on his new BMW M5 just so some lowly patient can avoid a fatal and incurable disease.

Pat Robertson, for one, interpreted Sharon’s misfortune (and, for that matter, Yitzak Rabin’s 1995 assassination) as divine retribution for “dividing God’s land,” and warned any potential successor, “God considers this land to be his. I would say woe to any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course.” Of course Robertson has no compunction in carving out 125 acres of the Promised Land for his own evangelical Christian theme park. Though Galilee World Heritage Park (aka Six Flags Over Jesus) is expected to attract one million visitors annually, it remains unendorsed (think: Euro Disney) by most locals. Knesset member Yossi Sarid notes that Born Agains believe that the Messiah will return only when the Jews control all of Israel and subsequently convert to Christianity or (in a bit of administrative housekeeping) are put to death. “I have no desire to be cannon fodder for the evangelists. As they believe I have to vanish before Jesus can make his second appearance, I find this a provocation. There is something sinister about their embrace.” Tourism Minister Avraham Hirschorn sees it differently: “I’m not a theologian, I’m not interested in the politics… As long as they come here as tourists… they’re friends of Israel.” Only time will tell.