With boots still dusty from his recent expedition to Baghdad, Congressman John Murtha (D-PA) somberly described the Iraqi occupation as nothing but a “flawed policy wrapped in an illusion.” Unfortunately for the Republicans, Murtha cannot be flippantly dismissed as some leftie dope-smoking liberal. 37 years in the Marines, two Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star lend gravitas to his call for an immediate withdrawal and his assessment that “We’re part of the problem.” Predictably, the Neo Cons sent out the attack dogs.

On the House floor, Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-OH) blasted that “Cowards cut and run, Marines never do.” Dick Cheney, who finagled five deferments in lieu of Vietnamese combat, added, “I cannot prevent certain politicians from losing their memory, or their backbone.” And this from the same half-palsied maw that confided to Murtha (after being named Secretary of Defense in 1989), “I’m going to need a lot of help, I don’t know a [expletive deleted] thing about defense.” Maddeningly, Condaleezza Rice suffered no such derision when she let slip, “I do not think that American forces need to be there… we want to see a reduction fairly soon.”

I remain flummoxed by the ease with which rapture-obsessed Conservatives incessantly vilify Progressives for (among other things) their profligate spending and reluctance to confront America’s enemies.   Especially given the mountain of evidence showing that the correct paradigm — if you’ll pardon my teen-speak — is so the other way around.  A widely circulated Bizarro World roster of U.S. politicians publicizes Democrats as decorated combat veterans and exposes Republicans (with few notable exceptions) as a bunch of draft-dodging deserters. Such a list begs the question: Why is it that when duty calls, modern day Republicans never hesitate to send OTHER people into harm’s way?  Why, for example, aren’t the Bush twins getting blown up in Mosul?

The question is not offered rhetorically. There is a scientific (as opposed to I.D.) explanation for cowardice; namely elevated levels of Oncoprotein 18 in the amygdala region of the brain. Genetic researchers found that by removing the Stathmin gene responsible for expressing this protein, timid lab rats became emboldened as measured by their responses to various stimuli. Those rodents genetically engineered for bravery also displayed a propensity to form gangs and mug rats from various control groups. Dr. Gleb Shumyatsky: “Potential clinical applications could be quite important” for people with “fear-related disorders.” Clearly, Ramsey Clark is not one of those people. Ignoring the plot to assassinate investigating magistrate Raed Juhi, the former Democratic U.S. Attorney General marched headlong into Baghdad, unflinchingly filling the void of two of Saddam’s murdered defense attorneys.

Often enough throughout our history, war heroes have become presidents. By custom, these men have been Republicans (or members of predecessor parties such as the Whigs); the likes of William Harrison, U.S. Grant, Teddy Roosevelt and Dwight Eisenhower are now sadly nowhere to be found. As it is today, Randy “Duke” Cunningham, our only fighter ace of the Vietnam War (Navy Cross, Silver Star, Purple Heart) could muster only a lowly Congressional seat out of his military celebrity. It doesn’t seem fair. That he exacted million-dollar bribes from defense contractors certainly puts him on par with the Dick Cheney’s of the world, but his aspirations of the White House have since been dashed by the most egregious of Republican sins: getting caught. Pleading guilty to conspiracy and tax evasion, Cunningham blubbered, “Now I know great shame.” As if he suddenly found himself under the Bodhi tree after decades of raping the villagers. Wiping back tears, the San Diego Congressman continued, “I cannot undo what I have done. But I can atone. I am now almost 65 years old and, as I enter the twilight of my life, I intend to use the remaining time that God grants me to make amends.” Not so fast. Ten years in the pokey means the Dukestir will probably spend the rest of his earthly incarnation fitfully waiting for visiting days and the attendant bundles of cigarettes and lubricants unfailingly delivered by his dutiful wife.

It’s anyone’s guess whether New Orleans will still be under water by the time Cunningham finally sees daylight, but it nonetheless remains difficult to rationalize the NFL’s dimwitted decision to award the 2015 Super Bowl to Kansas City. Unlike warm weather locales such as San Diego and Miami, where golf courses, amusement parks and deep-sea fishing conspire to keep hotel patrons spending for days, rust belt cities obtain negligible benefit from hosting the Big Game. This season’s pilgrims will probably shun Detroit’s bounty of mid-winter activities like ice-skating on Pine Lake or drive-by shootings on Eight Mile Road. Folks will fly in just before the coin toss and stampede over bedraggled locals the moment the fourth quarter starts to wind down. Which really sucks now that Ford’s layoffs and GM’s nine plant closures will cost the region some 34,000 jobs. But what can you do? A deranged shopper sending text messages on his cell phone before shooting up a Tacoma mall only underscores the obsolescence of old-line American manufacturing. And, of course, the idiocy of allowing assault weapons back on American streets.