It is often said that events of the past repeat themselves. A useful exercise, therefore, would be to revisit ancient times, such as when the Roman Empire used military might and technological prowess to hold sway over much of the civilized world. Plundering, raping, vomiting; life was good. Sure, there were occasional setbacks like the Punic Wars and the aberrant unconquered foe like Hannibal Al Zarqawi, but overall, the toga and tunic crowd had it pretty damn good. That is until the infamous Julius W. Caesar forced his way onto the throne. This power grab marked the beginning of the end for Romans — Senators and plebeians alike — and was precipitated by Caesar’s decision to bring soldiers into the city. For obvious reasons, the government forbade the army’s presence within the capital. But W. repealed the centuries-old ban, first enacted by Posse Comitatus, in response to the threat of the dreaded Avian Flu. As an unfaithful spouse might explain, one thing led to another and, well, the rest is history. The decline of this once great empire is well documented; suffice it to say that today it is but a third rate bastion of corruption known for little more than passable wines and unreliable automobiles.

Amid all the ruins, perhaps the viaduct stands as the most enduring symbol of Roman achievement. Even today, the notion of a bridge frequently serves as a political metaphor. President Clinton unendingly spoke of creating a bridge to the 21st Century. The current administration is mocked as one that squanders our trifling resources on bridges to nowhere. Well, not exactly nowhere. Alaska’s Gravina Island does support 50 people, fellow citizens who simply can no longer do with their aging ferryboat. So Republicans allocated $223 million to build them a bridge taller than the one that goes to Brooklyn (pop. 2.5 million).

One should expect this kind of wanton largesse to revive the President’s flagging poll numbers. But no. What with the Senate and House leadership under investigation, indictments pending against Bush’s inner circle, and government officials in handcuffs, there’s only one thing Rove can do. Issue another terror alert. But the polity, after four years of false alarms, is beginning to catch on. It now takes only days as opposed to months for the truth to come out. Authorities now concede that interrogators knew the plot to blow up New York’s subways on Sunday was all a hoax. Though an informant admitted giving phony information and three detained Iraqis supposedly linked to the plan failed lie detector tests, the administration chose to keep us on tenterhooks. No matter, the tactic of scaring the public into submission is losing efficacy now that our bodyguards over at Homeland Security have been exposed as a clutch of feckless cronies. It took them three years to catch a spy working right under Dick Cheney’s nose. If Dick’s cardiologist had taken that long to discover those pesky aneurysms, Cheney would be dead by now. But that’s just wishful thinking. All the while, Leandro Aragoncillo, a former Marine and FBI analyst, had ample opportunity to downloaded dozens of classified documents. Due to the depth and scale of infiltration, the security implications of the breach will take months to sort out.

In the meantime, the war on terror ceaselessly grinds on. Some days with bombs, other days with words. Intikab Habib, on the cusp of being sworn in as a Muslim chaplain in the New York City Fire Department, cast doubt on the culpability of Al Qaeda’s September 11 operatives: “Nowhere ever in history did a steel building come down with fire alone. It takes two or three weeks to demolish a building like that. But it was pulled down in a couple of hours. Was it 19 hijackers who brought it down, or was it a conspiracy?” FDNY commissioner Nicholas Scoppetta quickly revoked the appointment and issued the following understatement: “Based on comments he made to Newsday, Imam Intikab Habib would have been unable to effectively serve in the role he was appointed to.” Yeah, especially from under the bumper of a hook and ladder.

On the other side, Boeing executives apologized for an ad showing a V-22 Osprey delivering troops onto the roof of a smoldering mosque along with the caption: “It descends from the heavens. Ironically, it unleashes hell. it delivers Special Forces to insertion points never thought possible.” Though Mary Foerster, a defense unit V.P., said, “We consider the ad offensive, regret its publication and apologize to those who like us are dismayed with its contents,” the results left her nothing short of giddy. Because of the promo, the controversial aircraft (23 Marines killed in two crashes) finally secured Pentagon approval for full-scale production. After 20 years of performance failures and military cover-ups, the corporation no doubt relishes the $19 billion deal.

As part of rebuilding its terrorist scholarship program, Al Qaeda has established the Armstrong Williams school of Journalism. In conjunction, the organization is airing a thinly veiled newscast called “Voice of the Caliphate.” In last week’s inaugural broadcast, they reported: “The entire Islamic world overflowed with joy when Hurricane Katrina struck America.Broken and completely humiliated, George Bush . . . announced his obvious incapability to deal with the wrath of Allah.” But Al Qaeda better watch its mouth. Because broken or not, Bush has a personal relationship with our God; he once told Palestinian officials, “God would tell me, ‘George, go and fight those terrorists.George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq.’ And I did. And now again, I feel God’s words coming to me.” Perhaps it’s no coincidence then, that shortly after the broadcast, a massive earthquake rocked northern Pakistan and took out twenty times the number of victims lost to Katrina. As George might ask, whose God is the bitch now?