The devastation of the Gulf Coast is beyond horrifying, and, sadly, what incalculable damage was rendered by nature is being compounded by bands of lawless survivors. One Hollywood agent described the carnage playing out on his 50” plasma screen as Mad Max meets Waterworld. Though nobody could have possibly imagined anything worse than Waterworld, it has, in fact, come to pass. Residents are trapped on rooftops, ruptured gas lines bubble under twenty feet of water, and dead bodies punctuate the tide of human waste, chemical toxins, and splintered homes. Civil unrest is fulminating within the growing desperation. “This ain’t lootin’…” proclaimed an angry man outside the remnants of a Winn Dixie store, “it’s survivin’!” Hospitals have become Third World war zones; armed mobs are stealing drugs and raping nurses, patients, cocooned within their own hardening feces, are dying due to lack of water and power, and doctors are scrounging the cafeteria floors looking for rotten morsels of last week’s turkey tetrazini.

Reacting to the chaos, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin swiftly declared martial law. In contrast, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who controls the National Guard, remained insouciant: “Stuff happens… And while no one condones looting, on the other hand one can understand the pent-up feelings that may result from decades of repression.” Amazingly, it took the President three full days to leave the confines of his ranch for a cursory flight over the disaster zone. Leaving behind his beloved mountain bike and autographed copy of “My Pet Goat,” Mr. Bush acknowledged, “there is frustration. But I want people to know there is a lot of help coming… boats and choppers headed that way.” Given that Hurricane Katrina was well anticipated, Washington’s lethargic response, exacerbated by the $70 million recently cut from the Army Corps of Engineers budget for maintaining the pumps and levees protecting the Crescent City, has infuriated the polity.

The National Guard, and, most notably, our coterie of “first responders,” is simply too depleted by the Iraq war to be of significant assistance. The situation underscores the need to keep Guardsmen at home, a restriction that would no doubt attenuate precipitously declining enlistment. Perhaps updating induction techniques might help, too. Seven women have accused former Indiana National Guard recruiter Sgt. Eric Vetesy of sexual assaulting them in a high school lunchroom. Given the pressure to fill his quota, why didn’t Eric splurge on a motel? Because despite resentment over the glaring equipment disparity between Guard and Army units in Iraq (e.g. flack jackets) Vetesy maintained his egalitarian bent. Nobly, Sgt. V felt that if low-budget banging with a couple of high schoolers is good enough for Army Sgts. (and campus trollers) Ramsey Robertson (29) and Christopher Starks (32), then it’s certainly good enough for everybody else.

Obviously, every branch of the military will remain under incredible stress to fill its ranks, until, of course, President Bush, in his waning months, reinstates the draft. Meanwhile, enlistment officers are scouring every corner of our society, from the NASCAR circuit to the nation’s elite law schools. While such broad targeting might lead you to believe that the military is an equal opportunity employer, a lawsuit filed on behalf of several of the schools contends that the Pentagon’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy discriminates against gays and lesbians.

As such, the policy contravenes the schools’ dicta on civil rights, which preclude, for example, on-site visits by companies that refuse to hire women. Boston College law professor Kent Greenfield grumbled, “[The military] wanted special treatment. They wanted to come on our campus and only hire straight people.” So why not keep them out altogether? Because the Solomon Amendment provides that recalcitrant institutions must forfeit their (rather substantial) federal funding. The case has been framed as a battle over free speech; as the 3rd District Court of Appeals ruled, compliance “requires law schools to express a message that is incompatible with their educational objectives and no compelling government interest has been shown to deny this freedom.” Not surprisingly, the Supreme Court granted the case a writ of certiorari and will hear arguments when it reconvenes later in the year. The imminent confirmation of John Roberts means the government is all but certain to prevail.

Nonetheless, it’s self-evident why law schools would turn to litigation, but they would be far better served turning to Madison Avenue. It’s all a matter of marketing. How effective would military recruiters be if their presentations were juxtaposed with the cautionary tales of wheelchair-bound combat veterans who’ve lost a couple of limbs or maybe an eye? These vets could recount their first-hand experiences with stop-loss orders, unarmored vehicles and cutbacks at VA hospitals. Not to mention the night sweats, broken relationships and the ever-popular substance abuse issues. No wonder the President deserted when he had the chance.