A special election saw Iraqi War veteran Paul Hackett come within a whisker of defeating his Republican challenger in Ohio’s second Congressional district. Though the dust has firmly settled, the now-customary questions concerning fraud still reverberate around Cincinnati: How, for example, did humidity turn a tight race into a 5,000-vote victory for nut bag Jean Schmidt? Probably the same way those phony terrorist threats, strategically allocated voting machine shortages and incomplete ballots confounded the state’s exit polls in 2004. Nonetheless, the competitive effort found DNC chairman Howard Dean brimming with pride: “His success is a wake-up call to Republicans … that the culture of corruption… is on its way out.” Say what? If this is how the Democrats define success, Jeb Bush may as well spend the weekend finishing up his inaugural address. In the final analysis, neither the DNC’s 28 campaign staffers nor Brook Park’s 20 dead marines could surmount the fact that the second district is a gerrymandered Republican fortress. The cold truth is that Dean must realize a 29% turnout is tantamount to failure. To win 2006, the Left must win BIG, not by a percent or two, but by a landslide that cannot be lost to Karl Rove or faulty scanners or the dark of night.

Basking in one’s high-profile losses is rarely a recipe for success, though it’s worked out well enough for Phil Mickelson. The point is that winning these things matters because – say it with me – elections have consequences. Cindy Sheehan, dumped by her husband after their son died in Iraq, has been reduced to living in a tent in Crawford, Texas. Down the road in Arlington, however, Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers, whose suspension for punching out two cameramen was cavalierly overturned, demonstrated that consequences don’t apply to star athletes. Even Orioles slugger Raphael Palmeiro is back on the field after a piddling 10-game suspension for failing a performance-enhancing drug test shortly after testifying before Congress: “I have never used steroids. Period. I don’t know how to say it any more clearly than that.”

The most egregious example of this preferential treatment, without question, is the NHL’s reinstatement of Todd Bertuzzi, banned in 2004 for breaking rival Steve Moore’s neck with a mid-game sucker punch. Moore will likely never play again while Bertuzzi neatly dovetailed his suspension with last year’s cancelled season, effectively getting off Scott free. Bottom line: the man has skills. Hockey legend and Canadian Olympic executive Wayne Gretzky stated unabashedly, “I’m glad the NHL has finally stepped in and put him back in the game… He’s an elite player and I expect him to have a great year and be part of Team Canada come February in Italy.” The Sports Gods, clearly, are neither righteous nor fair and it will be up to an opposing player (or a drunk driver for that matter) to put Bertuzzi in a fucking wheelchair and balance the scales of justice.

The LAPD, on the other hand is not waiting around for the Fates to mete out punishment to the multitude of lowlifes and dope fiends clogging their streets. Especially while county supervisors squander $500,000 on needle exchange programs. In February, officers shot and killed a 13-year-old boy after he rammed a stolen vehicle into a police car. The animus behind the hail of bullets was the fact that the teen was high on marijuana at the time. After the boy’s mother sued the city for wrongful death and civil rights violations, the Los Angeles Police Commission amended the department’s shooting policy. Now anyone under the influence is considered fair game. Including 19-month-old coke whore Suzie Marie Lopez who was gunned down by a SWAT team following a domestic violence complaint. Amid massive public outcry, Police Chief William Bratton exonerated all the officers involved and cited the coroner had “found 0.07 micrograms of cocaine per milliliter in her system [that] had been there a couple of days.” In other words, she had it coming.

As, apparently, did St. Patrick’s Monsignor Eugene Clark. Caught on videotape with his secretary at the Joey Buttafuco Motor Inn on Long Island, the prelate offered his resignation and, according to the Church, “will not be celebrating Mass or the sacraments publicly until this matter has been resolved.” Ironically, Clark has been vocal and unapologetic regarding the Church’s wider sex scandal, blaming the pandemic of child molestation on “the campaign of liberal America against celibacy.” Which simply leaves me flummoxed: I thought the point of celibacy was NOT sticking your dick in a little boy’s ass.