California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected under unusual post-recall circumstances, running as an unusual kind of Republican; you know, the kind that looks and smells like a Democrat. As a pro-choice member of the Kennedy clan, the Planet Hollywood immigrant began his political career touting Proposition 49, which bolstered after school programs. Once in office, however, Arnold’s true colors could no longer be muted. He called state legislators a bunch of “girlie-men” and said we should seal off the Mexican border. He cut funding for public education by $2 billion, attempted to privatize government pensions and sought to rejigger voting districts by cribbing Tom DeLay’s rendition of Texas. Employing methods outlined in the Republican handbook, Arnold paid himself office rent using campaign contributions, though he needed little guidance vetoing a bill limiting sales of performance-enhancing substances to minors while under a $5 million contract with Flex and Muscle & Fitness magazines.

In contrast, not even the most politically myopic observer could see Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) as anything but a dyed-in-the-wool conservative. Santorum tried to tweak the No Child Left Behind bill to require teaching creationist doctrine in public schools, lambasted Supreme Court decisions allowing married couples to use birth control and to practice sodomy (forgive the redundancy) and wrote a book, “It Takes a Family: Conservatism and the Common Good,” to chastise working mothers. Santorum personally absolved the Catholic Church for fomenting pedophilia because “Priests, like all of us, are affected by culture. When the culture is sick, every element in it becomes infected. It is no surprise that Boston, a seat of academic, political and cultural liberalism in America, lies at the center of the storm.” On the other hand, despite an unbridled lust for universal healthcare and a pathological obsession with a decent minimum wage, I seriously doubt Ted Kennedy ever stuck his dick inside an eight-year-old boy.

Santorum once stated during an interview that, “I have a problem with homosexual acts…they undermine the basic tenets of our society.” He added, “The right to consensual sex within your home… comes from, I would argue, this right to privacy that doesn’t exist in my opinion in the United States Constitution.” He went on to argue that the existence of these wanton rights would inexorably putrefy our nation and induce a culture of “bigamy… adultery… incest…you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever.” Okay, okay, we get the point. The trouble is that Santorum’s long-time spokesman, Robert Traynham, recently confessed that he is an “out gay man.” In response, Santorum steadfastly pledged, “Mr. Traynham continues to have my full support and confidence as well as my prayers as he navigates this rude and mean spirited invasion of his personal life.” A private life, by the Senator’s own logic, Traynham has no right to exercise. The statement, while ironic, is taken as code within in the gay community: What Rick is really saying, according to the cognoscenti, is that he would never fire his aide as long as he eats rim like a thirsty camel and continues pumping his nine ebony inches into Santorum’s flabby white ass.

The Valerie Plame scandal is like a case of anal warts; though much remains obscured, the fulminations, while feigning dormancy, just keep coming back. The latest has Karl Rove claiming he heard of Plame’s CIA connection from columnist Robert Novak, who in turn points the finger back at Rove. But remember this; Rove was fired from Bush, Sr.’s ’92 campaign after leaking a story to Novak which tarnished Texas campaign manager Robert Mosbacher. So it’s all a well-rehearsed dance. Besides, Rove, days before speaking with Novak, undoubtedly saw a classified State Department memo that divulged Plame’s identity and, not incidentally, corroborated the assessment that Saddam’s pursuit of uranium was a total fabrication.

Chalk it all up to the fervor of pursuing terrorists. After a second, though mainly unsuccessful, wave of transit bombings in Britain, London police shot and killed an unarmed man who was “directly linked” to the crimes. Or not. Turns out he was a Brazilian electrician with a fatal case of mistaken identity. Prime Minister Tony Blair told reporters, “We are desperately sorry for the death of an innocent person. I understand entirely the feelings of the young man’s family.” He then cautioned, “But we also have to understand the police are doing their job in very, very difficult circumstances and it is important that we give them every support.” President Bush unhesitatingly offered his support to the P.M.: “I told Mr. Blair not to feel bad that they shot the wrong guy. Hell, we attacked the wrong fucking country!”