By a five to four vote, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the right of local governments to seize private property earmarked for commercial development and corporate profiteering. While a highway or school is indisputably a “public use” within the takings clause of the Fifth Amendment, what kind of depraved logic elevates a Starbucks above the bar? Writing for the majority, Justice Stevens noted: “Promoting economic development is a traditional and long-accepted function of government.” In other words, anything goes. But Justice O’Connor vehemently dissented: “Any property may now be taken… [by] citizens with disproportionate influence and power in the political process, including large corporations. As for the victims, the government now has license to transfer property from those with fewer resources to those with more. The founders cannot have intended this perverse result.”

Perverse, indeed. In the wake of the decision, a California developer petitioned the Towne of Weare, New Hampshire to appropriate concurring Justice David Souter’s farmhouse via eminent domain in an effort to construct a hotel on the site. “Am I taking this seriously? But of course,” said Charles Meany, Weare’s code enforcement officer. “If it is their right to pursue this, then by all means let the process begin.” Which it did in earnest when several police cruisers were hastily deployed around Souter’s property. Are we only steps, then, from replicating the eviction of Jewish settlers from Gaza by the Israeli Army? Congressman Randy “Duke” Cunningham, for one, isn’t waiting around for an answer.

The Duke sold his Southern California home to military contractor MZM, Inc for a $700,000 premium. In return, Cunningham, a prominent member of the defense appropriations subcommittee, funneled $112 million in military contracts back to MZM. But it gets worse. According to three former executives, Mitchell Wade, the company’s founder, coerced employees into contributing to the political campaigns of Cunningham and two other Republicans. One employee recalled, “We were told basically either donate or we would be fired.” Currently under FBI and grand jury investigation, Cunningham craftily deflected criticism by wrapping himself in flag-burning legislation: “Ask the men and women who stood on top of the Trade Center. Ask them and they will tell you: Pass this amendment.” As if you could hear them over the screams and explosions.

As an exit strategy, impaling your cubicle with a Boeing 757 leaves a lot to be desired. While Nelson Rockefeller’s mid-coitus heart attack may have rankled his secretary (code brown?), can you imagine a better way to go? It’s eminently better than falling prey to nefarious locals in Aruba or a hammerhead shark off the Florida coast. And the image of those three boys suffocating in the trunk of a maroon Camry in New Jersey remains deeply disturbing. I mean, you’d never see that fucking car on the Sopranos. A Cadillac Seville or, under duress, an Oldsmobile Cutlass, but never a goddamn Toyota.

It may turn out that Notorious B.I.G. was in fact gunned down by rogue L.A.P.D. officers hired by rival rappers while cruising the Vegas Strip, but, for most of us, Death will not be Celebrity’s bitch. We will go quietly and anonymously in hospitals or spare bedrooms and, if the U.S. Department of Agriculture has anything to say about it, by drowning on the liquefied renderings of our brains. Authorities have begrudgingly confirmed a second case of Mad Cow disease, but Terry Stokes of the National Cattleman’s Association remains bullish: “We expect burgers to be a item for the Fourth of July.” And his assessment is justified given the 1.7% increase in domestic consumption since the last case was announced. The news, however, was not so welcomed overseas. Korean activist Chang Ki-sun declared, “If the government lifts a ban on U.S. beef imports, we will raise demonstrations nationwide.” The Chinese Administration of Quality Supervision, Inspection and Quarantine said it would tighten border inspection to keep our meat away from their consumers. And this from people who savor camel eyes and rat shit.

Calling Dr. Rorschach: The particular danger to the commonweal stems from the Western blot test, or rather the USDA’s reluctance to utilize it. When a “rapid test” showed evidence of BSE back in November, authorities performed a follow up screen, known as immunohisochemistry, or IHC, which yielded a negative BSE result. More troubling, USDA officials neglected to fill out proper paperwork. Months later, the Western Blot was ordered up and conclusively showed evidence of the disease. So how many other cases were missed? Carol Tucker Foreman of the Consumer Federation of America suspects a cover-up: “When you have this many screw-ups, you begin to wonder…[if] they were afraid the truth would come out.” Her dubiety was bolstered by Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns, who found out an underling initiated the blot exam after the fact: “From my standpoint, I believe I was put there to operate the department and was very disappointed.” Imagine how he’ll feel when he goes blind and shits rivers of blood.