During his second debate with John Kerry, President Bush warned us that re-importing prescription drugs from Canada was a deadly proposition. It would prove more insidious, he argued, than COX II inhibitors and more dangerous than Medicare negotiating bulk discounts with American pharmaceutical companies. Nobody really believed the president, certainly not after all that puffery regarding Weapons of Mass Destruction. Yet here we are nine months later, with the facts, amazingly, bearing him out.

The CBC has disclosed that 4,000 Canadian seniors die each year from adverse drug reactions. Countless others continue to suffer horrible side effects. Frighteningly, health care professionals up north are more concerned about themselves than a bunch of old coots with one foot in the grave. One pharmacist complained, “The burden on the health-care system is enormous. If they require an intervention with a professional, that’s a cost.” Geriatrician Paula Rochon cavalierly admits, “A lot of people think that when people are older, they’re likely to have a lot of medical issues, so they dismiss it.” In other words, if they’re gonna die soon anyways, what’s all the stink about? Blithely spurning the pursuit of any remedy, Dr. Jim Wright of the University of British Columbia wistfully longs for the day when “there would be more acceptance of serious adverse events in the older population.”

Meanwhile, the Canadian Red Cross pled guilty to knowingly distributing blood tainted with HIV and Hepatitis C. Thousands perished in what John Platter of the Ontario Hemophilia Society calls “the worst public health disaster in this country’s history.” It first appeared, said Platter, that the episode was the result of a “terrible mistake” when “in fact, people broke the law.” Secretary General Dr. Pierre Dulpessis feigned contrition: “(The) Canadian Red Cross Society is deeply sorry for the injury and death … for the suffering caused to families and loved ones of those who were harmed.” Fittingly, authorities threw the book at the Red Cross, charging the organization as a public nuisance and hitting it up with a whopping $4,000 fine. When federal prosecutor John Ayre described the niggling penalty as “adequate,” he served to underscore Canadians’ blatant disregard for our cherished Culture of Life. But with the expiry of Hockey Night and Pete Coors pissing into their beloved Molson, can you really blame them?

Yet, America, too, is possessed of less-than-charming provincial behavior. With the demise of the European Union swamping the international media we are instead fixated on the revelation that “Deep Throat,” the informant who thirty years ago helped Woodward and Bernstein bring down the Nixon White House, was none other than FBI agent W. Mark Felt. What’s the big deal? Watergate is so far in the rear view mirror that Republicans now dominate every facet of government, practicing with impunity forms of corruption and election fraud only imagined by the likes of Haldeman, Agnew and Dean. And besides, I always though “Deep Throat” was Linda Sue Boreman. Also known as Linda Lovelace, “D.T.” starred in the 1972 eponymous porn film that grossed $600 million. Eschewing W.C. Fields’ caution against working with animals or children, Linda began her cinematic career three years earlier in the cult hit “Dog Fucker.”

Years later, Lovelace tried to disavow her legacy, claiming her husband got her hooked on drugs and forced her to perform acts of perversion. Recounting her story for the Meese Commission on Pornography, she stated, “When you see the movie, you are watching me being raped. It is a crime that movie is still showing; there was a gun to my head the entire time.” Labeled a traitor within “the industry,” she was scorned by former coworkers. Al Goldstein recalled: “She was a good cocksucker. She was a piece of shit… a hooker, a scumbag, a lying trollop. I dropped several ejaculations down her throat. I want to do a final load, so when she goes to hell my sperm will go with her.”

Sadly, Linda wrapped her car around a light post in 2002 and spent two weeks on life support before passing on. If Jeb Bush hadn’t been so consumed with Terri Schiavo, Linda might still be with us today. Regardless, she remains an integral part of my own coming of age, because as Woody Allen opined, sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.