On Tuesday the House of Representatives approved legislation relaxing limits on embryonic stem cell research despite President Bush’s objection: “I’ve made it very clear to the Congress that the use of federal money, taxpayers’ money, to promote science which destroys life in order to save life – I’m against that. And therefore if the bill does that, I will veto it.” Later, surrounded by 21 test-tube babies gathered at the White House, Mr. Bush reiterated that he, alone, is best suited to interpret God’s will. He swore to protect “the lives of the embryos that will be destroyed in the process. The children here today are reminders that every human life is a precious gift of matchless value.” Not one of these kids, however, was created by some Immaculate Conception. Rather each was the product of brazen scientific manipulation, undertaken in the very fertility clinics where thousands of embryos are, without protest, discarded each year.

As if to counterpoint the president’s shortsightedness, South Korean scientists simultaneously announced the creation of 11 patient-specific stem cell lines. Using a technique known as nuclear transfer, genetic material from unrelated individuals was grafted into donor eggs. Tissue cultivated from these stem cells should, according to researchers, obviate tissue rejection and other complications of transplantation. Gerald Schatten of the University of Pittsburg declared: “This may be nature’s best repair kit.” Moreover, by utilizing this new process, the Koreans have overcome issues of contamination that have rendered useless the 22 preexisting stem cell lines approved by our dimwitted president. “It just opens up the floodgates of possibilities,” trumpeted Salk Institute professor of genetics Fred Gage. Including, I submit, the possibility that we cede our biotechnological preeminence the same way we fumbled away our manufacturing prowess.

Scientific studies have shown that even while drowning in the hormonal bath of puberty, a young boy will continue to furiously jack off despite repeated admonitions from the other side of the bathroom door that such activity is contraindicated for healthy eyesight. By now, everyone knows the maxim about excessive masturbation is a total fabrication. Or is it? In an alarming development, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has disclosed that 40 men taking impotence medication have gone blind. “FDA is aware of these reports but has not determined there is a cause and effect due to use of Viagra,” noted FDA spokeswoman Susan Cruzan. Fortunately for penile-implanted Dick Cheney, the only side effects to manifest have been venality and cowardice. Nonetheless, Cruzan continued on to say, “We’re working with the company to make sure this information is available to doctors and patients.” Pfizer countered by stating that while non-arteritic anterior ischemic optic neuropathy (NAION) is extremely rare, “there is no evidence showing that NAION occurred more frequently in men taking Viagra than men of similar age and health who did not.” Dr. Michael Berelowitz, Pfizer’s vice president for worldwide medical, averred: “It’s quite hard to see causality” between the ED drug and any vision loss. “Perhaps,” he opined, “they shouldn’t be spankin’ it so hard.”

If you keep something in your closet long enough, it’s bound to come back in style. I suspect that as Aunt Bonnie offered her sagacity some thirty years ago, she was focused more on my bell-bottomed jeans than my penchant for sex with dead people, but still, the advice holds. Earlier this month, Mexican President Vicente Fox, indignant over a U.S. policy that bans illegal immigrants from obtaining a U.S. drivers license, said the following to a group of Texas businessmen: “There is no doubt that Mexicans, full of pride, willpower and desire to work, are doing jobs over there that not even blacks want to do.” Stopping just this side of labeling every African-American as shiftless, Mr. Fox reasserted the famous missive delivered in 1974 by the voluble Earl Butz (Gerald Ford’s Secretary of Agriculture) while on Air Force One: “I’ll tell you what the coloreds want. It’s three things: first, a tight pussy; second, loose shoes; and third, a warm place to shit.”

This particular verbiage saw Butz run out of Washington. But is it merely wishful thinking to imagine the rest of the Republicans in tow? A high-profile politician offered: “Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes you can do these things. Among them are…Texas oil millionaires and an occasional politician or businessman from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid.” Although these words might have come from Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA) or Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-MA) during the recent privatization battle, they were actually delivered in 1954 by President Dwight D. Eisenhower. Not bad foresight for a guy who whacked it six times a day.