I guess good pedophiles are hard to find. Bishop Leonard Blair of the Toledo Catholic Diocese recently admitted that should Senate Bill 17 become law, it would “be of serious concern to all of us.” Blair is nervous that an amendment extending the statute of limitations against child-molesting clergy will turn northern Ohio into eastern Newfoundland, where the Diocese of St. Georges was forced to sell all their churches in order to compensate abuse victims. Without churches, mused the bishop, where would priests bugger all those little boys? Forget that vow of celibacy; these clerics aren’t about to give up one of their most cherished perks. Rev. Michael Billian, Episcopal vicar of the diocese, implored every priest and deacon within his ambit to “identify those lay members of your parish and community who might have some prominence or influence, and ask them to join you in writing their representatives to ask their help in defeating the amendment.”

With seminary enrollment falling faster than the Army’s recruitment numbers, the Church is clearly feeling the effects of competition from the secular world. While Jeb Bush is working tirelessly to get registered sex offenders out of prison and back on the streets, there’s only so much one man can do. Let’s face it; child molesters are in high demand – from Spokane’s city hall to the Boy Scouts of America. With all the layoffs in public education, it may not seem fair, but as Chief Justice William Rehnquist wrote in the summer of 2000: “We are not, as we must not be, guided by our views of whether the Boy Scouts’ teachings with respect to homosexual conduct are right or wrong.”

Over the last two decades, 1,151 scouts have reported receiving a Greek merit badge while 416 troop leaders have been arrested or banned from the organization. Take, for example, John Levendosky, who had “always been fascinated by bondage and servitude.” Court records show that the assistant scoutmaster took three boys to a campsite and “bound each boy’s hands together with rope and blindfolded [them].” Another former scout leader, Brad Stowell, molested 24 boys during his illustrious tenure. Stowell spinelessly admitted to violating his probation by touching both a young girl and two young boys, and is now on his way back to jail. Douglas S. Smith Jr., an ex-top BSoA official, pled guilty last month to one count of receiving and distributing child pornography, and faces 5 to 20 in the big house. These guys will be hard to replace. Especially with posers like John Hemstreet who served four years for molesting a boy “who wasn’t even a scout.” Times may be lean, but standards simply must be maintained.

In Spokane, Republican Mayor Jim West is taking a leave of absence after being caught trolling for 18-year-old boys on the Internet. Last summer, according to published reports, West went on a dinner date (read: ass-eating festival) with another 18-year-old he met in a gay chat room. Using the online moniker RightBi-Guy, Hizzoner picked up 24-year-old Ryan Oelrich, who he later appointed to the city Human Rights Commission. Oelrich, who turned down $300 for a nude synchronized swim, claims he knows another five or six young gay men who also received sexual advances from the mayor. More sobering are the two men who told a local newspaper that Big Jim – then a sheriff – molested them when they were boys in the 1970s.

As Washington’s state Senate leader, West voted for the Defense of Marriage Act and consistently opposed efforts to extend civil rights to homosexuals. So what gives? Was his public deportment an attempt to mask his private depravities? Predictably, the mayor denies all the allegations, but acknowledges that he has had relations (read: gobbled day-old Kung Pao chicken) with adult men. He also disputed a city councilwoman’s assertion that he boasted of masturbating in his office. West clarified that he was in fact talking on the phone at home when he came all over his shoes.