In their pivotal presidential debate, Ronald Reagan scolded a gloomy Jimmy Carter with the famous barb, “There you go again.” A phrase that resonates each time I see George Bush reach into his handy barrel of terror alerts. Either Osama Bin Laden is inexplicably enlivened by low poll figures or Karl Rove is determined to scare the pants off us every time there’s trouble on Pennsylvania Avenue. Throughout the first administration Cheney and Ridge were dispatched like knickered schoolboys to knell the tocsin under the White House portico, as when W. tried to block formation of the 9/11 Commission, or when his ties to Enron came to light. One simply couldn’t escape the plangent toll when Powell petitioned the U.N. or when the reports of Halliburton fraud and Abu Ghraib abuse began to fulminate.

This week the administration is hyping Bin Laden’s relationship with Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and the duo’s supposed plans to strike at the Homeland. Maj. Gen. Eric Olson, however, is skeptical of Washington’s dread, and sees “no evidence that they’re trying to acquire a terrorist weapon,” adding that military pressure is making it “very difficult for them to operate.” The real threat, therefore, is to the President’s assault on Social Security. Only one-third of voters are in favor of privatized accounts, and support is quickly fizzling out among conservative lawmakers. Former party hack Eddie Mahe notes, “This does not have strong unanimity among Republicans in Congress or the rank and file.” Meanwhile, the notion of solvency is brusquely taking center stage. Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), fresh off his role as a stunt double in The Passion of the Christ, has sanctified payroll tax hikes, while Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) wants to double the salary cap.

An equally famous (and effective) Reaganism asked, “Where’s the beef?” Apparently, it’s down on the farm in Greenwood, Wisconsin. Harold G. Hart, 63, made more than 50 barnyard visits whereby he roped and raped (presumably female) members of the local herd. According to the heifers’ attorney, the sex was far from consensual and farther still from gratifying. PETA is pressuring the Clark County District Attorney to press charges and to issue a bovine restraining order precluding contact with animals for at least five years. After watching Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie manually relieve impacted cows, one wonders why the animal-rights folks are all in a dither. I mean we do, in the regular course of events, grind up and eat the damn things. As for Hart, he did issue a statement swearing he never slaked his perversion while in the throes of a committed relationship with his wife or girlfriend. Memo to the gals: TAKE SYPHILLIS TEST.

While Harold G. was inclined to value his rump roast by the hour rather than the pound, the rest of us remained constrained as much by our pocketbooks as by our inhibitions. In other words, when does meat become prohibitively expensive? In Japan, Kobe beef fetches $300/lb. while the record price commanded by a tuna (tallied where else but Tokyo’s Tsukiji Central Fish Market) stands at $173,600. But pound for pound, neither of these delicacies can hang with Harry Stonecipher’s old-fashioned sausage. One lousy link cost Stoney his $1.5 million paycheck after being caught in flagrante with a fellow Boeing employee. Ironically, Stonecipher was brought out of retirement to repair the company after a devastating series of ethical scandals. Boeing lost several colossal contracts and was banned by the Pentagon after revelations of corporate espionage against rivals Raytheon (missile defense) and Lockheed (rockets). The aircraft manufacturer cum defense contractor was also docked for bribing an Air Force procurement officer with a lucrative job offer.

Truth be told, the Boeing CEO wasn’t exclusively porking company V.P. Debra Peabody – he also found time in his demanding schedule to screw himself. Implementing a stringent code of conduct (signed by all 160,000 employees) he induced a whistleblower to forward graphic emails to chairman Lewis Platt. As for financial wreckage, Stonecipher has also fumbled away a handsome shoe deal with Nike, and a cushy directorship at truck maker Paccar, Inc. But the biggest toll, without question, will be excised by the soon-to-be ex-Mrs. Stonecipher, who swiftly filed for divorce. Filing with the Cook County Circuit Court, Joan Stonecipher requested that this man of “substantial income and wealth” bend over in the middle of West Randolph Street, and afford her just enough reach to extract what would constitute, by her calculus, “a fair and reasonable sum.” Can you say: “Moo”?