Freshly ensconced Attorney General Alberto Gonzles was quick to outline his priorities when he publicly declared: “Obscene materials are not protected by the First Amendment, and I am committed to prosecuting these crimes aggressively.” His speech was regrettably murky on the idea of filing charges against Abu Ghraib detainees who screamed “Mother Fucker” during scrotal electrification. But there’s no need to fret, as myriad opportunities to decimate the Bill of Rights still abound. Take for example the highly offensive language emanating from our institutions of higher learning.

Harvard President Lawrence Summers posited that women are too stupid to teach chemistry while University of Colorado professor Ward Churchill said the New York bond traders killed on September 11 got what they deserved. While these statements seem at first to carry equal affront, they are engendering polar responses. Churchill is being widely defended under the aegis of academic free speech while Summers faces a vote of no-confidence. But why? In the prevailing PC universe, argue some journalists, maligning women is tantamount to professional suicide, while Wall Street’s greed-merchants rank somewhere between kidnappers and rigid sigmoidoscopists. Others believe the conservative Summers was anyways unwelcome on campus. Harvard professor Ruth Wisse describes the (predominantly) far-left faculty: “These are people frustrated that they can’t unseat President Bush, and [Summers] is the closest thing that they can depose. Since he appears to be somewhat to the right of them, he will suffice as a surrogate.”

Or perhaps it’s simply a matter of locale. Folks seem to get away with all manner of malfeasance in Colorado. Just ask Kobe Bryant or the Ramseys. And over at CU, laxity has been elevated to a graduate program. Football coach Gary Barnett has been reinstated despite presiding over a program replete with sexual misconduct and financial impropriety. Six women, including a student trainer and place-kicker Katie Hnida, claimed to have been raped by players or recruits. Upon hearing Hnida’s allegation, Barnet dismissed her as an “awful” player who “couldn’t kick the ball through the uprights.” Another victim barely remembers the two football players who sodomized her because she “may have been drugged.” As for consensual intercourse, the program spent $2,000 on prostitutes during one particularly competitive recruiting season. And recently leaked grand jury testimony reveals thousands of dollars in slush funds paying for, among other things, an official’s car registration. While Pete Coors may not be a senator, he can rape with impunity. So he’s got that going for him.

Which is more than can be said of NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. Mr. B formally scrapped the hockey season after talks broke off (again) with the players’ union. The commish dejectedly told reporters, “This is a sad, regrettable day that all of us wish could have been avoided.” Not that anyone was really surprised – nearly half the league was already collecting paychecks in Europe. But with the draft looming, both sides continue working towards an agreement. The prospect of another lost season, nonetheless, remains a distinct possibility. Wayne Gretzky, now a managing partner with the Phoenix franchise, told ESPN, “Ultimately, these players want to play. I just can’t imagine these players not playing in the National Hockey League for two years. To me, I hope that doesn’t happen because I don’t know how we would recover.”

The dagger appears to be the issue of a salary cap, which the union thinks is simply a ruse to expand profits. Legendary player and new owner Mario Lemieux however sees the financial necessity: “A few years ago, I thought the owners were making a lot of money and were hiding some under the table, but then I got on this side and saw the losses this league was accumulating.” The bottom line is that hockey fans are now relegated to the college game… basketball, that is. Temple coach Mario Lemieux was suspended after inserting a “goon” into the Saint Joseph’s game in order to “send a message” regarding rough play. The large but rather untalented Nemiah Ingram fouled out in four short minutes but not before breaking the arm of an opposing player. Now what could be better than that?