According to the 2005 Pontifical Yearbook, the world has 1.086 billion Catholics. And they all held their breath last week as Pope John Paul II was hospitalized with laryngeal spasms and an acute respiratory infection. After an assassination attempt, cancer surgery, and Parkinson’s, could this really mean curtains for the 84-year-old Holy Father? Pictures of the Pontiff being whisked from the Holy See to the Gemelli Polyclinic Hospital were continuously broadcast around the globe and found most viewers profoundly distraught. But not Liam Cusak. Cusak works for the Dragon Models USA Inc. toy company, and noticed that the image looked suspiciously similar to their Captain Vatican action figure. Even the papal vestments, particularly his chasuble and Zucchetto, seemed exact replicas of those included with the feast of the Assumption version of the toy. “It is our doll… To me it looks definitely like it is,” quipped Cusak. “Everything the guy is wearing is exactly what comes with our figure. If you look at the two pictures side by side, it’d be a huge coincidence.”

What proved not to be a hoax, on the other hand, were accusations that two dozen men were raped by Father Paul Shanley. Though it took days to wade through the tsunami of information generated by Googling “guilty priest,” I finally got the scoop: Shanley had plied the Boston area for years, moving from parish to parish at the behest of Church officials who, according to internal documents, repeatedly assigned him to positions affording unsupervised contact with children despite his public advocacy of sex between men and boys. In the end, Shanley was convicted despite the fact that most of his victims were barred from testifying due to the statute of limitations. Of the four available to prosecutors, only one (merely six-years-old at the time of the first assault) was dependable enough to put on the stand. The others, as is too often the case, suffered from substance abuse or mental health issues and would have crumbled under cross-examination. Ironically, the effects of abuse turn victims into unreliable witnesses. But no matter, Father Paul is off to prison where, God willing, he’ll be killed during Easter mass.

And a good thing too, as the President’s budget contains huge cuts in law enforcement funding, making it all the more difficult to catch child molesters or criminals of any other stripe. Although the White House wants to make permanent the tax cuts ladled out to its wealthy patrons, the budget proposes slashing programs designed to help those actually in need. It contains massive reductions in public education, farm support, mass transit, food stamps, welfare, and Medicaid. And in the event of a bio-terrorist attack, you’ll be glad to know that money has been siphoned away from local Homeland Security programs and from the Center for Disease Control. Don’t forget, Mr. Bush vowed to “cut programs that do not fulfill essential priorities,” and beyond getting his nitwit brother elected in 2008, little else promises to be essential

As for the war in Iraq, the $81 billion of squandered tax receipts are nowhere found in the budget’s pages. Nor are any funds allocated to cover the promised increase in active-duty death benefits. But who’s really surprised? Just last year W told the American Legion: “Our nation’s veterans have made serving America the highest priority of your lives. And that is why I have made serving our nation’s veterans one of the highest priorities of my administration.” Doubtless that’s why he wants to lower veterans’ medical benefits and raise their prescription drug co-payments.

“It’s a budget that focuses on results,” proffered the President, “the taxpayers of America don’t want us spending money into [sic] something that’s not achieving results.” Yeah, well, he’d best consider getting rid of the Federal Reserve. After six interest-rate hikes since June, the yield on the ten-year Treasury is paradoxically 50 basis points lower since last summer. So quite unintentionally, mortgages are cheaper, money freer and the dollar weaker. Bond mavens on Wall Street argue that Greenspan’s actions are beginning to get traction now that the rebound has retraced half of the 13 rate cuts delivered when decade began; we can only hope Bush gets out the axe before it’s too late.