Can you believe George Bush was sworn in to his second term as Debaucher of the Free World? Members of Congress were so giddy at the prospect, that for the first time anyone can remember, they refused to appropriate funds to pay for the inauguration. The District of Columbia, therefore, was forced to cough up nearly $20 million of its Homeland Security budget. It will be imperative, then, when the Ragheads blow the place up, to remember that we threw one hell of a party.

After the formalities, there were myriad soirées and galas, dutifully attended by heavily-jowled donors stuffed into tuxedoes, and pasty women from Texas bulging out of designer gowns optimistically fastened with spaghetti straps. And of course a cow. Although as the evening wore on, the cow, a UT mascot named Bevo, became increasingly difficult to pick out of the crowd. As for official matters of state, Mr. Bush vowed to tackle the crisis brewing over at Social Security, which he insists will go bankrupt in a dozen years, “by reforming great institutions to serve the needs of our time.” He went on to say, “We will widen the ownership of… retirement savings and health insurance – preparing our people for the challenges of life in a free society. By making every citizen an agent of his or her own destiny, we will give our fellow Americans greater freedom from want and fear.” To which Ted Kennedy rightly responded, “We have an administration that falsely hypes almost every issue as a crisis. They did it on Iraq, and they are doing it now on Social Security. They exploit the politics of fear and division.”

The cold fact is that the Social Security System is currently running at a surplus and will remain solvent, according to its own actuaries, until 2042. The current scheme, they opine, could even pay out 80 cents on the dollar as far out as 2075. No matter, the President wants to “privatize” a portion of the plan so that you can be in control of your own losses. The White House argues that historically equities have returned around nine percent per year while bonds (in which the surplus is exclusively invested) have only fared half as well. More dramatically, after accounting for taxes, inflation and expenses, government bonds hardly earn anything at all. If Mr. Bush is so confident in his own calculus, why doesn’t he merely sell all those bonds and plow the proceeds into the stock market?

In a word, demographics. The system was originally designed more along the lines of a Ponzi scheme than a bank account because during the Depression, beneficiaries needed to collect funds long before savings could accrue. At its inception in 1935, payroll taxes amounted to a scant two percent of wages. Today, they exceed 15 percent. This increase is an attempt to offset the declining number of workers supporting each retiree (8 1/2 in 1955 vs. a projected 2 in 2040). Imagine the Freemason pyramid on the back of the dollar turned upside down – with that eye becoming an anus. Yet, there is some good news; it’s far worse in China where a single-child regime forces one worker to support four grandparents and two parents.

The problem, in a nutshell, is that your payroll tax contributions are hardly yours; they’re going to some former mechanic in Decatur. The government, therefore, is obliged to replace any funds siphoned off to your Merrill Lynch account. Some estimates peg this cover at $2 trillion. Maybe that’s why the administration has proposed Draconian Medicaid and Medicare cuts in the upcoming budget: This way, figures the White House, older workers can shorten their retirement (and reduce their claims) by dying quicker.

All this angst has Republicans breaking ranks and looking out for their own hides. Rep. Katherine Harris (R-FL), Jeb’s former Secretary of State who certified 2000’s fraudulent ballot, said publicly, I’m not sure I’ve heard a solution I’ve agreed with.” A spokesman for Robin Hayes (R-SC) said that the Congressman, despite a track record as one of Bush’s more ardent rim nibblers, “does not support privatization.”

What’s worse is that it is all but certain that those dumb or unlucky enough to put all their mandated savings into the next JDS Uniphase will, in the end, beg the government (read: the rest of us taxpayers) to make them whole. Keep in mind, during Bush’s tenure, the stock market, as measured by the S&P 500 index, is actually down, so the prospect of widespread losses in not merely academic. And besides, with all the mergers* taking place, by the time any meaningful reform is passed there’ll only be one stock left to invest in: CitiFordViacom International. Is it any wonder the politicians have set up their own retirement plan?

* Recent deals:

JP Morgan (already with Chase) and Bank One
Bank of America (already with Nations Bank) and Fleet Boston Financial
Wachovia and South Trust
Sears and Kmart
Oracle and PeopleSoft
Symantec and Veritas
Sprint and Nextel
Cedant and Orbitz

(Pending)
News Corp. and Fox Entertainment
Molson and Coors
Federated and May Department Stores