Republicans Challenge Tsunami Death Toll – Dick Cheney demands recount. Citing irregularities (e.g. orphans smuggled to Java by human traffickers) in Bandah Aceh and friction between rebel forces and government agents in Sri Lanka, the Vice President said that an accurate body count was all but impossible. Republicans are also calling for fresh elections in Washington State where Democrat Christine Gregoire has been certified as the gubernatorial victor after a hand recount gave her a 129-vote mandate. Dino Rossi had won both the initial tally and the required machine recount but, unlike the 1972 Soviet basketball team, failed to successfully cheat during the third and final do-over. A spokesman for the governor-elect noted, “there is a process for determining a winner and that process is over.” Cheney himself added, “I do think it’s time for him to concede. I think history would regard him in a better light if he were to bring this to a close in the very near future.” Even Rush Limbaugh piled on: “ [He] is going to be confirmed a loser, even if he wins with the chicanery going on in all of these endless recounts.” Of course the two bumblers were referring to Al Gore’s 2000 campaign, but the hat still fits. Notably, Secretary of State Sam Reed (R), though “shocked and stunned” by the razor-thin margin, held that there existed “no reason to believe votes were not properly cast.”

More radically lopsided is public opinion regarding George Bush’s initial response to the devastation wrought by last week’s tidal wave. It was both embarrassingly slow and tellingly small-minded. After a full three days, the White House offered all of $100,000. Of course, the amount was quickly raised to $15,000,000 after Karl Rove held up a pie chart on the cover of USA Today. To be fair, despite the preponderance of Muslim victims, the sum now stands at $350,000,000 and vastly outweighs the collective contributions of Qatar, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Algeria, Bahrain, Libya, UAE and Turkey. As for the non-secular extra-national organizations, they remain preoccupied with making bombs and killing innocent civilians and have, to date, failed to offer any measurable assistance. Meanwhile, the American military has taken on its largest Southeast Asian effort since Vietnam.

Australia had pledged a billion dollars but relief and reconstruction efforts came to a grinding halt when a cargo plane hit a stray cow and shut down the only airstrip serving Aceh. Though commander of U.S. Navy operations Captain Larry Burt opined, “You would never expect a cow to shut you down,” many survivors in Sri Lanka and India begged to differ. “Yes, yes,” exclaimed Prashnat Vankudre of Andaman Island, “Now the world can itself witness the awesome power of the sacred cow.”

Back at home, our own well-being remains bound up in rainbow-colored terror alerts. It is staggering that Notre Dame could hire a football coach before we could fill the vacancy over at Homeland Security, though, admittedly, both positions come with rather lofty expectations and little tolerance for failure. Yet there must be some poor stooge out there willing to preside over billions of dollars wasted on porous borders, unguarded seaports, and unconstitutional computer spyware. Potential candidates to replace Tom Ridge may well consider that Teddy Roosevelt once said, “It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.” Then again, Bernard Kerik just ran a hot needle through this timeless quote, oozing its words like pus seeping from a long-neglected wound. Old Bernie, formerly top dog at the NYPD and head of Iraqi security training, just puked up his high paying gig as Rudy Giulani’s consulting partner after public disclosure of personal improprieties ranging from benign neglect to outright villainy. It started, as these things do, with revelations that Mr. Kerik had hired an illegal alien to scrub his toilets. Unfortunately, his problems compounded when he so fell under the spell of her gleaming efforts he forgot to make good on her payroll taxes. Of course, legislators might have anyway found trouble confirming someone to administer a goodly chunk of the federal budget and to carry out any manner of enforcing the laws of the land when he has filed for personal bankruptcy and has been the subject of an arrest warrant. Though, to Bernie’s credit, he did pocket $6 million exercising stock options in Taser Inc. only days before published reports confirmed 70 deaths from Taser products sold via conflicts of interest to New York City and federal law enforcement. Oh, and that small matter of taking bribes from the mob while conducting two extramarital affairs. One of which cost New York taxpayers $250,000. But, you have to hand it to Bernie; he sure gets a lot done.