The sale of IBM’s personal computer division to China’s Lenovo marks a new low in the decline of American manufacturing. Now we can’t even do technology. That Big Blue could extract only $650 million in cash out of the deal speaks to their status as a distant number three in a wretched industry. The transaction isn’t entirely shocking given that IBM began bailing out in 2002 when they outsourced desktop production and sold outright their disk drive business to Hitachi. Nonetheless, technology geeks are sobbing into each other’s pocket protectors as the PC pioneer rides off into the sunset.

In actuality, IBM was more of a legitimizer than a trailblazer. They followed behind such names as Atari, Heathkit and, of course, Apple. In retrospect, an early decision to give away rights to the PC’s internal workings ranks as one of the greatest corporate blunders of all time, and in the process transformed Intel and Microsoft into two of the world’s most profitable companies. It’s not all bad news, however, because in the end, IBM got out just in the nick of time. A new medical study published in Human Reproduction blames laptop computers for a decline in male fertility. Class action attorneys cut out of the Vioxx proceedings are chomping at the bit after reviewing data on men who were locked in a room with a working computer. Dr. Yefim Sheynkin says the heat from processors is the culprit, noting that elevated scrotal temperatures can cause lower sperm counts. Yeah, and so can four unsupervised hours of Internet porn.

Loser Viktor Yushchenko will again face his presidential rival in a repeat of the recent Ukrainian election. Over a hundred thousand protesters have paralyzed the government in Kiev and forced the nebulous results obtained last go round to be tossed out. These momentous efforts were nearly rendered moot by the attempted murder of the populist candidate. Dr. Michael Zimpfer declared that Yushchenko’s sudden illness “has been caused by a case of poisoning by dioxin.” Toxicologist John Henry added, “We’ve never had a case like this.” Zimpfer further noted that testing revealed the nefarious compound was ingested orally. “It would be quite easy to administer this amount in a soup,” noted Zimpfer, “And even with a kilo of sour cream, Russian borscht tastes so God-awful, one would never know the difference.”

Trying to lever the Ukrainian challenger’s success, Yasser Arafat’s nephew, Nasser al-Kidwa, is also playing the poison card, claiming the former Palestinian leader died questionably. Not that Yasser has much of a chance against Mahmoud Abbas or Marwan Barghouti in the upcoming election, but still. A 558-page medical report failed to vitiate “the inability of reaching a clear diagnosis. That is why,” argues al-Kidwa, “you cannot escape the other possibility… that there is unnatural cause for death.” Journalist Hani Masri surmises, “If there was proof he was poisoned it would severely complicate matters. The new leadership would not be able to renew peace negotiations with a country that killed its president.” It is doubtful, for that matter, that they could even control the security apparatus or the polity at large. And therein lies al-Kidwa’s motivation, namely to continue Arafat’s legacy of confrontation and condemn his stateless people to further bloodshed.

All the while, physicians at the French military hospital where Arafat made his last stand stated categorically that they found no traces of “any poison known to them.” While French officials insisted that authorities would have investigated any suspicions of foul play, the etiological uncertainty is spawning various rumors. Dr. F. P. Erickson of the Kirkland Institute has his own take: “Perhaps those French doctors are just really stupid. What can you expect from a country where people constantly shove pills up their ass?”

In retaliation for these remarks and others like them, the Chirac administration formally blamed U.S.-based Continental Airlines for the 2000 Concorde disaster near Paris. Public prosecutor Xavier Salvat said this week that there existed a “direct causal link” between a small strip of metal shed during an earlier Continental flight and the fact that two Air France pilots flew their plane into a nearby hotel. Salvat blathered on about coefficients and various tolerances of the specific titanium alloy loosed onto the runway. But let’s not forget that Air France, along with British Airways, pulled the supersonic jet out of service because of overwhelming evidence that the plane’s physical design contained significant structural flaws. Even Salvat was forced to concede a “serious fault” which left the fuel tanks unprotected. Nonetheless, Continental executives have been summoned before French magistrate Christophe Rengard who is trying to pin them with manslaughter. A company spokesman told reporters: “We are confident that there is no basis for criminal action and we will defend any charges in the appropriate courts.” They might want to think twice before hiring Mark Geragos.