Though Sears, Roebuck & Co. has indefatigably proven itself to be a markedly shoddy retailer, the stock jumped 23% last week on news that Vornado Realty Trust acquired more than four percent of the company. When the shares surged past $45, earnings were barely expected to clear $1.50, making for a rather expensive proposition despite valuable brands like Kenmore, Craftsman and Land’s End. Clearly, Vornado was not betting on improving sales for socks and wrenches. Rather, they sought to unlock the value buried under hundreds of company-owned store locations.

But now it looks like Kmart has beaten them to the punch. In a deal valued $11.5 billion, the blue light merchant will acquire Sears, whose executives – obtaining their largesse at the expense of their self esteem – must feel like they were handed the answers during a high school geography test by the retarded kid in the back row. Kmart chairman Edward Lampert has successfully employed this real estate strategy before, selling over $800 million of corporate assets to Home Depot and, ironically, Sears. It is worth noting that Lampert owned 15% of Sears prior to the merger; comparisons to self-dealing Rite Aid executive (and convicted felon) Vornado Realty Trust might bear examination.

The most stupendous financial scandal of the day, however, is the disclosure that John Kerry’s campaign took it in the ass with $45 million left in the bank. And that’s not even counting $7 million remaining in his GELAC (General Election Legal and Accounting Compliance) Fund. I’ve heard of keeping your powder dry, but this is an outrage! I want my $2,000 back, and I can’t decide whether to call Bill Lerach or Elliot Spitzer.

God knows I’m not the only one who could use the money. Uncle Sam is damn near destitute and the $412 billion budget deficit is, according to Federal Reserve Board Governor Edward Gramlich, “a significant problem.” Because Asian countries with large trade surpluses continue to fuel their exports by propping up the dollar, they risk importing inflation, at which time, posits Gramlich, “they are probably going to have to stop.” And that’s bad news for America because they’ll discontinue plowing their extra greenbacks back into our Treasury market, which means interest rates will climb and choke out our economic expansion. “Right now,” he summed up, “we have a pretty unstable world situation.”

Well you certainly won’t find stability anywhere in the Bush administration right now. Over in Langley, the exits are packed with departing CIA personnel. Deputy Director John E. McLaughlin and executive director Buzzy Krongard went out during the first wave of high profile departures. They were soon followed by Stephen R. Kappes, the deputy director for operations, and his deputy, Michael J. Sulick (each 23 year veterans). Sen. John D. Rockefeller IV of West Virginia, the ranking Democrat on the Senate Intelligence Committee, observed, “the departure of highly respected and competent individuals at such a crucial time is a grave concern.” He added that newly appointed CIA director Porter Goss “must take immediate steps to stabilize the situation.” Good luck there. Goss is regarded as a buffoon and remains widely despised within the agency. Sources underscore damaging information leaked to the Washington Post about Goss’ nominee for executive director, Michael V. Kostiw, who was forced to bow out after a story broke that he had left the CIA decades earlier after being accused of shoplifting.

More movement: The Billy Joel / Twyla Tharp Musical “Movin’ Out” descends upon our nation’s capital tomorrow, with cast and crew encamping only blocks away from the White House in D.C.’s National Theatre. The show has garnered rave reviews and even snagged a couple of Tony Awards. But imitation, they say, is still the highest form of flattery. Even before the curtain goes up on the month-long engagement, half of the President’s cabinet declared they’re movin’ out. Oh sure, they were mostly boobs and half-wits, but Colin Powell’s departure expunges any vestige of intellect or gravitas the administration possessed. Humiliated by the now infamous WMD dissertation at the United Nations, Powell seeks to add an exclamation point to his failure at the State Department by taking his closing act to the Mideast where the Palestinians have their own way of killing an audience.