When Senate Republicans failed to force a vote banning same-sex marriage, President Bush repined, “I am deeply disappointed that the effort was temporarily blocked in the Senate and I urge the House of Representatives to pass this amendment.” Arnold Schwarzenegger bitched that the legislators were a bunch of “girlie-men” who should be “terminated.” Rep. John Hostettler (R-IN-Hetero) offered a novel way to vitiate to gay nuptials by way of a “jurisdiction stripping” bill. Such a measure would bar federal courts from hearing lawsuits related to gay sex and marriage. Theoretically, this formula could be applied to a gamut of political issues, allowing Congress to surgically remove any corrosive sections of judicial authority. Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX-Bi?) told reporters that he plans to use such “jurisdiction stripping” means to achieve other social policy goals as well. For example, he will push legislation to stop federal courts from hearing lawsuits related to the words “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance and from adjudicating cases involving Negroes sitting in the front of the bus.

For the nonce, federal courts are busy processing a stream of corporate malfeasants. John Rigas, founder of Adelphia, was convicted of embezzlement and faces 20 years in the grey-bar hotel. Credit Suisse First Boston banker Frank Quattrone, found guilty of obstructing a U.S. investigation of initial public offerings, was denied a new trial and will be sentenced in September. CFO Andrew Fastow got 10 years for defrauding Enron stakeholders while chairman Ken Lay was FINALLY indicted. Ironically, Lay was taken into custody only days before the energy company emerged from bankruptcy protection. The most celebrated case, without question, centers on Martha Stewart, who along with her stock broker, garnered five months in prison. The queen of domesticity will enter the women’s correctional facility in Danbury, Connecticut and though she must leave her kitchen utensils behind, Martha will undoubtedly be schooled in the latest ways to toss the salad.

Speaking of bad lettuce, it appears that the coalition of the wilting continues to shrivel. The Philippines pulled troops out of Iraq in order to free truck driver Angelo de la Cruz. They join Spain, the Dominican Republic, Honduras and Nicaragua in the land of the dearly departed. Several other countries including New Zealand are scheduled to withdraw shortly. Japan may very well be next as insurgents issued a stern warning that kidnappings targeting her citizens are about to commence. To underscore the threat, a fuel truck wired with explosives blew up a Baghdad police station killing nine and wounding 60. Press secretary Scott McClellan tried to put on a happy face but you know things are deteriorating rapidly when the White House proudly holds up Mongolia and El Salvador as our unrelenting partners in the occupation.

In a nutshell, Iraq has become an unmitigated disaster. Only today, six more hostages were abducted, and Paul Johnson’s severed head was discovered in an icebox. If things keep up, the Islamists will need a serious quantity of orange jumpsuits and more than a few more refrigerators (see Martha Stewart above). With the 9/11 commission debunking everything the President has told us, Bush has conjured up a new strategy – blame Iran. It’s only one letter off, and they have distinct nuclear capabilities. But why did it take three years to discover that “about eight” of the Sept. 11 hijackers may have passed through Tehran before the attacks? Though the administration is pushing this thesis, acting CIA director John McLaughlin brushed it aside, noting, the agency had “no evidence that there is some sort of official connection between Iran and 9/11.”

While Lance Armstrong seems poised to do the unimaginable – win a sixth consecutive Tour de France – he was beaten to the punch by singer Linda Ronstadt. The vocalist was tossed out of the Alladin hotel and casino by security guards. Do you know what a rare feat that is? Everyone knows Vegas will tolerate just about anything. In my experience there are only two ways to get booted from a gaming facility: 1) counting cards and 2) taking a sloppy dump on the carpet and wiping your ass on the pit boss’s new Gucci loafers. I guess now there’s a third. Discussing politics during a concert. The crowd, already annoyed with Ronstadt’s song selection and unappetizing corpulence, responded to her commentary with a mass exodus. Apparently, patrons didn’t agree with her praise of the film “Fahrenheit 9/11” and its auteur and they demonstrated their displeasure by tossing watered-down cocktails at her wall posters as they left. Hey, that gives me an idea – maybe I’ll have two orders of chorizo before I visit the Bush-Cheney placard on my neighbor’s front lawn.