It was seventeen years ago in New York that Tawana Brawley jacketed herself with Al Sharpton’s feces and claimed that six white police officers kidnapped and raped her. Despite conspiracy allegations that extended to the Governor’s mansion, the entire episode turned out to have been staged. So it may be today in the bizarre case of Marine Cpl. Wassef Ali Hassoun who was supposedly captured by Islamic militants west of Baghdad. Al Jazeera broadcast images of a blindfolded Hassoun cowering under the blade of a sword and reported that he would be killed unless occupation forces released all Iraqi prisoners. After Fox News confirmed his beheading, Wassef showed up unharmed in his native Jordan. Throughout the three-week ordeal, the Pentagon scrambled to clarify the corporal’s status: away on “unauthorized leave” gave way to “missing” and now stands as “returned to military control.” Regardless, Naval Intelligence currently suspects Wassef initially abandoned his post voluntarily and fled towards his family in Tripoli. This version of events – irrespective of the abduction chapter of his odyssey – makes him a deserter, which gives him equal footing with the Commander-in-Chief.

In an attempt to obfuscate the President’s own military dereliction, the Defense Department just announced that payroll records covering two segments of Bush’s National Guard service were “inadvertently destroyed.” Like Dick Cheney inadvertently received five deferments during the Vietnam War. It’s no wonder with these two cowards running the show that U.S. capitulation in Falluja has created another Afghanistan. Military officials are scared to attack the city because of the large-scale uprising that would certainly follow. Although the Iraqi national security advisor definitively stated, “Our intelligence says that Zarqawi is in Falluja,” the Army is content to idly sit by while Abu Musab fabricates car bombs, lops off heads, and orchestrates the insurgency. “There is no question that Falluja is a safe haven,” lamented Lt. Gen. Ricardo Sanchez. Provincial leader Abu Karim Barias added, “there is no government there… It’s simple, it’s a terrorist hotbed.” In other words, we invaded a country incapable of launching monstrous attacks and duly fostered that ability.

The news at home is not much better, with the economic recovery disappearing faster than Bulgarian truck drivers. A bevy of software companies, from Computer Associates to PeopleSoft missed quarterly sales and earnings targets while disk drive manufacturers Seagate and Maxtor (proverbial canaries in the technology coal mine) are seeing revenue shortfalls and slumping prices. Evincing that the worst is already upon us, Merrill Lynch lowered their semiconductor rating from “over” to “underweight” because of tumbling demand for personal computers. As consumer benefits of the tax cuts move into the rear-view mirror, rising interest rates and stratospheric oil prices can’t help but dent economic performance. Even Mr. Greenspan would concede that it rarely pays to be optimistic when the monetary and fiscal spigots are shut off. Olympic gold medalist Marion Jones is a stark example of what can happen when the juice stops flowing. At the U.S. trials for the 100 meter sprint, the five-time medalist came in fifth; her boyfriend and world record holder Tim Montgomery managed a pathetic seventh. Both are accused (Montgomery tested positive) of using steroids during past conquests and are now under investigation by the U.S. Anti-doping agency.

Interrogate Karl Rove and you’ll find no dope. He may be wicked – leaking the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame – but he’s as sharp as they come. So while the economy and the Iraqi occupation are in a death match for worst things caused by George Bush, Rove knows that its time again to rig the election. Once more brother Jeb will purge nearly 50,000 felons from the rolls in Florida, even though state officials admit that the thousands of eligible voters mistakenly removed prior to the 2000 election have yet to be reinstated. Most of these are African-American Democrats. Lest you forget, Bush won Florida by 537 votes and was subsequently handed the White House by the Supreme Court.

But now there’s a fly in the ointment. Leon County Circuit Judge Nikki Clark ordered the board of elections to release the names on the voter-exclusion list to CNN and other news agencies that had filed suit. With the public eye squarely trained on the proceedings, Florida might be in jeopardy after all. Upon hearing the ruling, Rove seamlessly moved to plan B.

The Department of Homeland Security has formally asked the Justice Department’s Office of Legal Counsel to analyze what steps would be needed to permit the cancellation or rescheduling of the election. DeForest B. Soaries, chairman of the dubiously created U.S. Election Assistance Commission, wrote a letter to members of Congress stating that, “There does not appear to be a clear process in place to suspend or reschedule voting during an election if there is a major terrorist attack, or in the event President Bush is behind in the polls.” Federal officials warned last week that intelligence indicates al-Qaeda wants to attack the United States to disrupt the November vote. They also claimed that Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction have been detected on Mars.