Because of a microchip implanted under her skin, Dharma, a black Labrador-mix, is on her way back to San Diego. From Seattle. Found wandering the streets 1,000 miles from home, Dharma was taken in by Karen DePew and ID’d at the local pound. “I’m thrilled,” beamed owner Peggy Russell. And she should be. Because had Arnold Schwarzenegger gotten his way, animal shelters would no longer scan strays nor would they be required to keep them for six days before administering the gas. Herr Governor was looking to save $14 million – less than one tenth of one percent of the budget shortfall – by repealing the Hayden Act, a sort of Geneva Convention for dogs. Though massive popular outcry forced the Gov. to abandon his plan, a spokesman for the Humane Society continued to fume, “That Schwarzenegger is one cheap bastard,” musing out loud, “I wonder if he even feeds that skinny-ass wife of his.”
Fong Liu, owner of Chinatown’s Ming Palace is, on the other hand, disappointed by the Terminator’s about face. “I pay taxes so that one in ten California farmers can be subsidized? Piss away money to grow rice, cotton, barley. Who the fuck gonna eat barley? I thought it was finally my turn. Now I’ll have to pay through the nose to make General Tso’s Shih-Tzu or Kung Pao Koolie.”
Could anything be less appetizing? Certainly poached toad face as an hors d’oeuvre or Dick Gephardt as a running mate. I know that would make me puke. Imagine Geraldine Ferraro without the charm. But regardless of whom Kerry taps for the second spot on the ticket, the final months of the campaign promise to be a mephitic slog through a cesspool of denigration and perjury. Why it’s only summer and the electorate has already had its fill of invective and hyperbole.
Voters of all stripes are calling for George Bush to remove video images of Adolph Hitler from the “Kerry’s Coalition of the Wild-eyed” vignette featured on the President’s web site. Abe Foxman, National Director of the Anti-Defamation League, admonished the White House, noting that, “Using images of Hitler and terminology from the Nazi regime in campaign attacks is offensive and demeaning to the memory of the six million and others who died in the Holocaust.” I don’t know what all the fuss is about; I found the offending clip so garbled and sooty that all I could discern was a guttural ululation emanating from what appeared to be a human orifice framed by a ribbon of hair. To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t sure if I was looking at footage of the Fuhrer or of Paris Hilton. Needless to say, I downloaded “1 Night in Paris” just to make sure.
Also making for good theater this season is Saddam Hussein’s return to Baghdad. Delivered in handcuffs by armored bus, the former Iraqi dictator faced a war crimes tribunal that read charges of atrocities during his reign. Though the governments of Iran and Kuwait have joined demands for his execution, Hussein remained defiant, refusing to acknowledge the court’s authority, demanding to be addressed as Mr. President and angrily denying any involvement in the murders of Laci and Conner Peterson. Evincing that the occupied Iraqis are finally becoming Americanized, Saddam declared, “ I cannot sign the documents without the presence of my lawyers.”
Though the actual trial will not commence until next year, the presiding magistrate has already been selected. District Judge Donald Thompson, recently reassigned by the Oklahoma attorney general for “conduct constituting an offense involving moral turpitude in violation of the Oklahoma Constitution” will get the nod.
Thompson, a tough disciplinarian who once tried to hand down a life sentence for spitting on a cop, frequently used a penis pump during trials and exposed himself to a court reporter several times while masturbating. A sworn complaint details that the court reporter “saw Judge Thompson holding his penis up and shaving underneath it with a disposable razor while on the bench.” Cognizant of The Donald’s proclivities, the Iraqi Minister of Justice told reporters, “It is our fervent hope that Judge Thompson’s personal issues and the ‘swooshing’ noises of his device will not detract from the important business at hand.”
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