The Cannes film festival bestowed its prestigious Palme d’Or upon a documentary for the first time in nearly thirty years. Michael Moore captured the award for his controversial film “Fahrenheit 911.” Yeah, I know, the French also inducted Jerry Lewis into the Legion of Honor, but still, it bears noting. The Republicans can’t help but notice the groundswell surrounding the movie, which will be released next week despite the GOP’s ability to pressure Disney out of a distribution deal. A right-wing consultancy, Russo, Marsh & Rogers, cooked up a “non-partisan” website to dissuade theatre owners from screening the picture. RNC operatives fear Bush’s reelection effort won’t be immune to 911’s ability to broadcast the cozy relationship his family has enjoyed with the Bin Ladens and to remind the polity of the abject failure of the Iraqi campaign.

Not that the mainstream media isn’t vomiting details and imagery of our military and civilian casualties on a daily basis. A hostage here, a bombing there. But, still, it’s so much more compelling when you’re surrounded by hundreds of strangers and stuffing your face with a $10 bag of popcorn. On the other hand – as Pee Wee Herman’s night at the South Trail Cinema might underscore – some things are better left to the privacy of your living room. Like that gruesome Nicholas Berg video. Perhaps the classroom isn’t the best venue to watch a beheading: just ask high school teacher Lorri Profit, who was forced from her job for showing al-Zarquwi’s short subject to her history students.

I, for one, try to stay on top of current events but just couldn’t bring myself to download the Berg execution. I’m afraid of the nightmares and other post-traumatic stress symptoms that have befallen those who’ve seen it. I had no compunction, however, researching the two San Francisco cops who appeared in the saga of “Bus Stop Whores.” In fact, I logged onto the web site and watched it several times. Well, maybe more than several, but with the HIV-induced moratorium on the adult film industry still in effect, there’s not much else out there. At any rate, the amateur porn flick put Kelly Francisco and Darryl Watts under investigation for criminal misconduct and breach of departmental rules, but don’t worry, they’ll probably keep their badges. In January, an appellate court overturned the dismissal of a San Diego officer who sold explicit movies of himself on eBay. Despite the ruling’s significant First Amendment implications, I gave his videos a pass. As for Francisco and Watts, it seems that life imitates art; the pair has announced wedding plans for the summer. Who says you can’t find true love on the Internet?

Let’s not forget the sacrifice of innumerable soldiers who died on the beaches of Normandy exactly 60 years ago. Without them, we might not be enjoying today such freedoms as Internet porn and mid-east hegemony. The gravity of the occasion was not lost on President Bush, who, in a massive bout of flip-floppery, donned a rubber body suit, dog collar and leather hood before slavishly licking Chirac’s dimpled ass. In a speech commemorating the anniversary of D-Day, Bush told veterans and dignitaries assembled at the American cemetery in Colleville-sur-Mer, “By remembering the heroic actions of our Armed Forces… we honor a generation who served this country. Generations to come will know what happened here, but these men heard the guns.” He continued, “We think of men not far from boys who found the courage to charge toward death,” concluding, “America honors all the liberators who fought here in the noblest of causes, and America would do it again for our friends.”

A brazen statement for a man who failed to complete his cushy National Guard duty while his contemporaries were being downed in the jungles and river deltas of Vietnam. Though Bush was assigned to the 187th Tactical Recon Group in the fall of 1972, there is no record of his attendance. Neither the commanding officer nor his administrative aide recalls ever seeing the President. The following year, officers at Ellington Air Force Base failed to complete his written evaluation because, “Lt. Bush has not been observed at this unit during the period of this report.” In other words, for the better part of a year he was Absent Without Leave, which is a violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice under Article 86. Bush could also face charges of desertion under Article 85, since his absence exceeded 30 days. Moreover, desertion in a time of war could result in “death or such other punishment as a court-martial may direct.” Maybe he won’t survive Vietnam after all?