Ten years have slipped by since O.J. Simpson butchered his wife Nicole and Ron Goldman on a quiet Brentwood street. Perhaps it was the nauseating prospect of Mr. Simpson’s acquittal that led Ronald Reagan to publicly disclose his own vanquishment to Alzheimer’s. A decade later, with the Gipper finally laid to rest, one still wrestles with which of these two-bit actors got away with the larger iniquity. The heinous nature of Simpson’s crime and the plethora of evidence against him are well documented. Reagan, for his part, is being lionized as the conservative’s conservative. Yet, in both his terms as Governor of California, general-fund spending rose faster than in the much-maligned Davis administration. Reagan also gave the state its largest ever tax increase.

Hailed as a straight shooter, the President lied incessantly for months about the Iran-Contra scandal. Having learned from Nixon’s demise, he attempted to come clean with the electorate: “A few months ago I told the American people I did not trade arms for hostages. My heart and my best intentions still tell me that’s true, but the facts and the evidence tell me it is not.” In other words, he did not stick his dick in Ms. Lewinsky.

There is no dispute whether Kobe Bryant stuck his dick in Katelyn Faber; the question remains, however, whether the act was consensual. Apparently, DNA evidence from the prosecution’s own laboratory shows that the alleged victim had sex with another man (or two) only hours after her encounter with the Laker star. Furthermore, Eagle County District Judge Terry Ruckreigle has obtained copies of Ms. Faber’s text message communications that show her offering a former boyfriend the chance to stir Kobe’s porridge. None of this (along with details of Katelyn’s two suicide attempts) may come before the jury due to vigorous rape shield laws. In that case, defense attorney Pamela Mackey surmises, Kobe will have no recourse but to join the University of Colorado football team.

Which is fine given that he – and most of the NBA’s A-list players – have begged out of the Olympic games in Athens. According to Greek officials, the specter of transsexual athletes and uninvited terrorist cells has crippled ticket sales. Ironically, this development ameliorates the lack of progress in stadium construction, as there are no seats for spectators anyways.

I guess Richard Perle and Paul Wolfowitz forgot to warn Ahmed Chalabi that it’s never a good idea to be a little light when your pimp shuffles up to your corner. Pulling down $400,000 a month as Cheney’s lead bitch, Chalabi was stomped by the Veep’s thugs while his Iraqi National Congress headquarters was given the once over. The action vindicated State Department officials who have been carping for months that Ahmed was not delivering any “actionable” intelligence to government agents. While dissing the Americans has given Chalabi street cred in Baghdad, it turns out that Powell’s boys only had it half right. In fact, the INC leader was giving up valuable secrets; it’s just that he was giving them to the Iranians. Little tidbits like our newfound ability to decipher coded Iranian communications.

This last bit of handiwork turned out to be the final stanza in the inept if defiant career of CIA director George Tenet. Wearing a pink tie and choking back a river of tears, Tenet gave deputy director John E. McLaughlin a blubbery man hug and announced his resignation as Miami Dolphins linebacker Junior Seau heckled, “everybody would say, ‘You’re a faggot,’ but I’m not.” Tenet regained his composure and delivered his coda – citing personal reasons for his departure, for example his desire to no longer be the planet’s biggest failure. Witness the attack on the USS Cole, the African embassy bombings, 9/11, leaks of Valerie Plame’s status as a CIA operative, unfounded claims of WMD programs (including attempts by Saddam to procure enriched uranium), and a feckless assessment of postwar Iraq.

Seau offered contrition the following morning, admitting that, “last night, due to my stupidity, is something we have to deal with today. With that, I am very sad and I apologize.” I, however, remain unashamed. With a polity forever enslaved to the Department of Homeland Security, Tenet will probably skate into some high-paying gig as a corporate flunky. As with Ronnie and the Juice, we are left looking the crusty skid mark of ignominy.