Members of the Christian right are in a panic over the pending battle for legalization of same-sex marriages. Massachusetts may be the first state to sanction gay matrimony, but only because they’re still trying to erase the dark legacy of stoning heretics. The issue has become such a lightning rod that even liberal politicians are treading lightly by supporting civil unions while defining “marriage” as exclusive to one man and (save Utah) one woman. Protests outside Harvey Milk High School evince the paranoia is running a bit too thick and complaints that Madonna’s French kiss with Britney Spears went beyond the customary raunch of MTV are totally misplaced. The two divas weren’t promoting some “homosexual agenda”. They were promoting their really sucky albums.

If the Holy Cross is a diminished beacon of moral authority, the archdiocese of Boston didn’t exactly restore divine luminescence when it paid $85 million to settle 560 lawsuits claiming sexual abuse at the hands of Catholic Priests. Archbishop Sean O’Malley said while the settlement in no way repairs damage done to the victims, at $150,000 per, it isn’t exactly peanuts. Only three months earlier 243 Louisville parishioners were appeased to the tune of $25 million. The abacus reveals that Boston’s priests paid half again more for their exploits than did their southern brethren. With the CPI barely exhibiting a pulse at 0.2% and the Fed all in a dither about deflation, it’s good to know that getting off is getting more expensive. Nonetheless, with exclusive call girls going for a thousand bucks a throw, these figures do seem rather excessive. Unless you’re Kobe Bryant. After buying his wife a $4 million diamond, he offered a $5 million payoff to his alleged victim. I’ll bet that didn’t go over too well with the Mrs. While the Lakers are in a position to void his contract, his legal bills are mounting and his endorsements are fading fast. The record, though, goes to the White House where George Bush and Dick Cheney spent $87 billion (nearly half of Richard Grasso’s salary) soiling themselves.

Though Donald Rumsfield is in Baghdad peddling the concept that everything is swell, no one’s buying. The irrefutable notion that we’re running out of soldiers faster than the Iraqis are running out of bullets has the administration proposing significant U.N. assistance. European leaders complained Bush’s plan doesn’t relinquish U.S. military command, and that it needs “further, very serious work.” A quick resolution is probably at hand, allowed one diplomat, but we want to see the President lick our boots.

He may well have to now that Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas has resigned, turning the roadmap to peace into the greatest disappointment since Caddyshack II. To celebrate the rekindling of hostilities, the Israelis razed several West Bank apartment buildings, killing Hamas explosives expert Mohammed Hanbali. Apparently, Hanabli was some magician with the dynamite because a couple of days after his death, two of his devices were detonated in Israel, killing over a dozen people. According to Hamas, the back-to-back suicide bombings against Israelis were a “natural reaction” but said they remained committed to a six-week-old truce. By this they mean Palestinians get to kill innocent civilians and then yell “truce!” This fresh cycle of reprisals and counter reprisals compelled Ariel Sharon to cut short a state visit to India so he could personally orchestrate more carnage. That two tuxedo wedding doesn’t seem so bad after all.