Not even the most gullible among us can believe that Mr. Bush is traipsing through Africa because he cares about Africans. What he cares about is winning the election next November and that means attracting minority voters. Why, you might ask, would this President reach beyond his white, bible-thumping, anti-cloning constituency? Well, with the unemployment rate at 6.4% and rising faster than the death doll in Iraq, one of these bumbling democrats may actually have a chance. And once Liberia exhausts the list of countries we can take down in a microwave war, where else can the administration turn for poll ratings?

Contract snafus could make Kobe Bryant a free agent. Lakers GM Mitch Kupchek announced that unlike that 19-year-old Colorado girl, the team has yet to receive Kobe’s extension. Meanwhile, the TNT cable network, purveyors of NBA basketball broadcasts, has been cleared to reformulate itself as “Spike TV.” Now the station that carries Stripperella and Ren and Stimpy can focus on producing such erudite and compelling programming instead of fighting legal challenges from film director Spike Lee. Lee, who’s given name is Shelton, sued the Viacom subsidiary over the use of “his” moniker. Lee feared confusion between the seriously funny cartoons and Dukes of Hazard reruns on Spike TV and those awful racist diatribes masquerading as arthouse films which he directs. The issue became hopelessly obfuscated by the realization that another film director, Spike Jonze (Adaptation, Being John Malkovich) also enjoys rights to the appellation. In the end, the legal combatants settled out of court under the proviso that Lee will produce more content for Viacom and Whitey will be blamed for the civil unrest in Africa.